How to Handle Your Family and Loved Ones During Stressful Times

hi everyone so we are here with our holiday addition to the webinars as we wrap up 2019 so it's kind of crazy that we are now in December we all are kind of like how the heck did we get here but we're all in the thick of the holidays right now and a lot of us are dealing with we don't know what the heck to eat I'm gonna kind of just quit until the new year because I know that there's going to be so many indulgences and different parties but also at the same time we're also really just kind of battling with you know the stress that comes with the holidays hi Freddie and a lot of that stress comes down to you know following tradition maybe doing things that we want to do differently but we have to really coincide with tradition and in addition to that as some of us are really just dreading going to these family parties and having to you know listen to people's opinions and know that we are going to be triggered so that is really what we're talking about tonight is being able to step into the holidays and have some new tools but really most importantly is being able to acknowledge why are you being triggered why are you having you know so much stress around being around these groups of people being around family and really being able to get a walk away with this sense of understanding that allows you to step into these situations differently but I think most importantly is walk away not necessarily being like oh my god can you believe he's that bad we've all been there we totally get it but I think it's been really interesting to learn some of the tools that we have and clear some our own [ __ ] that has allowed us to step into this different 8% like the this whole holiday season can be equally just as much detriment and we could be a benefit it really depends on how we step into the situations yeah for sure so as we kind of dive into the webinar I'm those of you that are with us on Instagram just you know we do do these live webinars we're gonna continue like webinars all the way to 20/20 so if you're looking to get the full webinar definitely direct message us your email so that you can get full access because you will not be able to see the whole webinar just because Instagram cuts us off but our biggest thing tonight is we want to really focus on how to deal with your family and during the holidays number one and also why are you being so triggered by either family friends co-workers etc so obviously the things we talked about tonight really is not necessarily just about you know the holidays it really can transfer into life in general but I know that this season is particularly more stressful for everyone and there's a lot of emotions that come up and especially if there's family members that we have lost and we're feeling just really you know sad about them not being part of those holidays so we really want to shed light on all different aspects not necessarily just about being triggered by family members as well so just about you know dr. Nick and myself for me we obviously work together and we're working with a variety of different people but really I'm just so excited that dr. Nick has done some really elaborate training to bring a different aspect to our business and that aspect was really being able to help people more with different emotional adversities that they've gone through in the past or different traumas that they've been through but in addition is the story the story that we've created about why don't we want to go to the holiday party the story that we've created of why we have to eat the Cheesecake the story that we created about how our sister-in-laws the biggest pain-in-the-ass or the story as to you know who's gonna say what about how you're raising your kids and all the rest so I'll let him kind of talk a little bit more about that and why we have set out since day one to do things differently and bring a different you know a different outlook on health care essentially I mean foundationally when you look at it the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result and that's what we look at the history of iwg when we started you know we first started and really just for the most part physical and biochemical and we found out that you could get some awesome results but and in the short term in the long term when we look at that we were missing so many aspects that really make up who we are and ignoring that would have been a disservice to not only our philosophy on really trying to not only help ourselves but also to be able to help everybody that walks into our office so we dug deeper and we looked and the entire person on the physical the chemical the emotional the energetic as well as even aspects of the spiritual and tonight the most part of it is gonna be on that emotional mental aspect which is really one of the things that really drives me the most with understanding that and it's really understanding that our triggers of our voids the things that really set us off is really an opportunity to step into ourselves bring those imbalances back into balance that we're gonna talk so much about tonight and step into just a better version of you so that you can actually have a better relationship with everyone else you know so many times do the holidays the biggest thing is we go into it and we're already on high alert yeah and when somebody says that wrong thing we're trying to fix them even though we should be looking deeper within ourselves well I think that a lot of us don't realize that we can be in the driver's seat when it comes to you know some of the interactions that we have and you know where we'll talk more about like the components of this but I remember just like in my family dynamic being so reactive and you know especially because of my my background and you know when I was in school I was learning all these new things and I was learning about like oh my gosh like deodorant is toxic and the food is toxic and margarine kills you and I was learning all these things and I thought that everybody should know and I thought that everybody you know wanted to be well and that you know if they found out that margarine is gonna you know hurt their health and oh my gosh they were willing to throw it out and I remember like vomiting this information on to people especially my family better yet I have chili my mom's obsessed with margarine by the way and we had approximately 10 not cases but 10 packs of it that contained about four sticks in each and I threw them all margarine yes and I threw them all out thinking that I was doing her service and oh did I said was I mistaken and literally it like just turned into this blow up fight and this was you know one of many but there was just always this like yelling screaming dynamic and we got over it pretty fast but one of the big call that a win lose or lose but I think that there's a really interesting thing as i as i started to realize like i shouldn't be pushing my values onto other people and then i should respect that other people have different values and you know i shouldn't be going into a situation that's aggressively and that may be you know that that phrase is like what does they catch more bees i'm gonna screw the bell I don't know if I've ever heard that one what is that something with honey and whatever anyway the Golden Rule but I started to kind of reframe how I was speaking to my family members and I remember really just one time my mom being upset about something and just like taking that moment to know reacts but actually just to listen and just you know respondent with a couple of words and just said hey it's alright I totally get it and her like defense mechanisms just completely melted away and she almost like walked away confused but I just remember knowing that in that moment that the way that I showed up really could transform someone else and I catch more flies with honey than vinegar so I really just thought it was interesting that I was able to kind of transform the situation and put my it was because I was in the driver's seat so it's really just allowing you guys to know that how you react and how you show up can actually really shift the stressors that you have right now about these events that are coming up but before we get into that you know just for for myself I work with a variety of different patients and I've worked with a lot of mystery cases but because I'm working with patients that have been everywhere and done everything and they haven't necessarily been able to get where they want to be that's really why we dig in and we ask that our questions about you know do they hate their boss do they hit their spouse like do they not get excited about waking up to go to the job that they do every day you know do they have all of these external stressors from an emotional perspective like do they still live with shame because they didn't meet their parents expectation like there's so many things that were walking around holding and we really worked hard in order to provide some type of way to really help people with this you know emotional baggage that they're walking around with and it's really dr. Nick that's been able to not just learn one of the methods that he does called the Demartini method but we've also fused in things like neurofeedback and supplementation and and a variety of different things to help people with these with the emotional roller coaster when you think about it it's like our limbic system is in the brain in the middle of the brain and when I first started even with chiropractic I was mainly actually interested in the nervous system mainly from having so many concussions and I thought if I could gain really a good handle on understanding how the nervous system work and how to maximize that I would not only be able to help heal myself over my post concussion syndrome issues but I mean the nervous system controls everything everything goes process to the nervous system even all of our energy affects our nervous system so if I could figure out how to maximize that I would just be amazing and then I quickly found out that wow our limbic system naturally has a huge handle and control over our brain almost more than anything can catch more of these of them and understanding that that really led me in the direction of really diving deep I've learned so many different techniques on the mental emotional aspect some great short-term techniques that if you're in a hard crunch and time crunch I can diffuse a lot of that but aren't really sustainable and then some other techniques that maybe will take a little longer but are sustainable and will keep your perception and you in balance with those issues throughout the rest of your life well I think for the two of us like the reason why we even got into this and when we started really acknowledging the emotional piece it was for different reasons but I know for myself the biggest thing that I've learned over time is that just because time has passed doesn't necessarily mean that you are not holding space for the things that you have dealt with in your past so when I was young I definitely had a lot of anger had a if anything my testing revealed that I had raged um but it was really just based off of you know different life experiences different you know a dynamic with my family etc and I felt that because I moved away and time has passed that I let go of all of those things and they were not part of me anymore and there was no possible way that they were actually affecting me and when once you hit plateaus with your healing process and you're kind of like what the heck I'm doing all the right things I'm smoothing juicing supplementing like what the heck else do I need to do and when you start to do better testing and you dig deeper then you can acknowledge that hey maybe this is part of my puzzle and maybe I don't feel angry in the moment but it's when those triggers come up and you have that reaction to someone or something and almost like your friends or even your spouse is like whoa like where the heck did that come from and you're just like oh there's my childhood issues yeah they're still there so it's very very interesting because we all know that experience that you kind of her like oh I really like really reacted in that moment and you're almost like where did that come from or I thought I was resolved that or I'm not an angry person and all the things we say to ourselves but it's really just a reflection of our unresolved [ __ ] so tonight's all about teaching and showing better ways to act which comes from a conscious decision from the prefrontal cortex instead of reacting emotionally from the limbic system so I know that we are about 15 past 7 so give us the next like 15-20 minutes of your undivided attention and we will give you some awesome tools to walk into your holiday parties and family events with but first and foremost the disclaimer that I think is the most important is that I want you guys to know that this is not your fault if you are constantly getting triggered by people around you including your family it is not your fault if you feel out of control for the way that you're reacting it is not your fault if you feel deeply deeply affected by your family's opinions or judgments it is not your fault and if you just feel so stressed about you know the holidays in general it's not your fault so this is something that a lot of us have dealt with at some point in time but it's about shifting the perception and having a better standing of where these things are coming from and then also some of the strategies that you can implement about them so some of the specific things that we're going to talk about tonight then I'm gonna let Nick really elaborate on because this is really his specialty when it comes to working with some of our patients and helping them to work through this stuff is first and foremost is establishing what the heck of trigger actually is like what does that mean why are we triggered what is it emotion like really what is that what is that why don't we have that type of response and why is it such a debilitating response what is a judgment why are we judging others why are we you know so quick to push our opinion and then why would we experience just all of these behaviors that's how long so we're gonna go more in but I'm gonna have you just dive in and give us the brief on all of these the cliff notes please mister I'm gonna go in depth right away getting deep so triggers you know triggers can be when you look at a trigger it's usually the physical or emotional it's it's like one of my best friends growing up if you put your finger on this forehead he would literally punch you in the face because that was a trigger for him and I like then I never really understood I'm like you know and I would always mess with them and everyone smell I get punched in the face for a concussion and then the other one is actually emotionally being triggered so I mean that was an emotional trigger but it was coming from a physical response sometimes for the most part all triggers come from an emotion a perception being imbalanced so I'm guessing I never actually talked with them but with my friend that can use tap on his forehead I would assume that either our emotions being unbalanced or come from previous perceptions so I would assume well there is an older brother / friend and maybe a parent that somebody wouldn't mess with them in tap his forehead and there was no resolution with that so that created a trigger at the same time as we can become triggered if somebody like one of your triggers in the past was when people would literally look at the bills and go through because your values were really based in determined on just having a good time having proper quality communication and it wasn't on nickel and diming to increase wealth in that way but don't you think like the the trigger with the person with the tapping on the head there had to be a strong emotional tie there so if that was like he was being bullied or there was some type of shame or don't you feel that there is like usually some type of an emotional attachment to it I mean just knowing my friend how to present there's an emotional attachment oh and I would assume that it came from one two ways probably came from either his dad or a football coach and with that you know it's like a football coach coming up like don't be stupid you're better than this catch the ball like all these things um same thing with the debt you know it's like he was a very amazing athlete but he's always pushed to be better and better and better so just coming up and like just tacking him on the forehead you can give that you know the coach and the dad was probably thinking that they were doing a good thing getting his conscious attention yeah like focus on me focus on me listen to the words I want to say I am trying to help out but at the same time I'm really quote-unquote being the dad or the football coach pushing my values and what I think you should be doing to better yourself and I think to something interesting about this is that when you stimulate various senses so if you are someone who is you're having this type of say a bullying type of reaction and then there is also like a physical touch and then there's a verbal piece that is also affecting the brain in quite a few different ways so this is kind of embedding you know or creating these pathways in there's various connections let's put it that way opposed to it just being heard verbally or just being you know physical abuse when you have the the combination it can definitely be stronger when even thinking about trees I mean when we look at triggers it's just it's a sensory input that more having an emotional response about yeah so even at the holiday time was thinking about it it could be the in sense of really like all this Christmas was like they called it Christmas scent it's like pine trees and yeah who knows what chemicals but with that that could create a trigger because let's say we gotten a huge blow of fight that never got resolved and that was the smell that was around so we go all year without smelling that boom now it's holiday season I'm showing that and I'm just unconsciously I don't even know why I'm pissed so that that's a trigger that's a trigger through the old factory since there are smell next up that's looking like what is an emotion so emotions are literally your worse or your best friend emotions we all is a response coming back as just a feedback mechanism the response telling us the quality of our relationship with everything anything so that's foundationally all an emotion is it's just a feedback mechanism to allow us know our relationship with something if we think something's bad if we think something's good if something's gonna be painful something's gonna be pleasureful that's what emotion is and then there's varying degrees of emotion I like to say that the degrees of emotion or literally like temperature you know it's like we call things hot and cold but from what point so our body is roughly ninety eight point six degrees anything hotter than that we're gonna say from our perception but that's hot and you think Gordon that we're gonna think that it's cold so emotions are the same thing it's like we all have a specific balance point on our relationship with something and anything above that balance point we're gonna say is pleasurable or good then below that we're gonna say as painful or bad but isn't this based off of programming at the same time of like what are the societal norms so it's like if you lose a loved one and you weren't to grieve then there would be judgment based off of like what's wrong with you you should grieve you lost something but then if you grieve too much then it's like oh gosh this is so painful like I think that there's also a lot of the programming of what that's supposed to be right wrong normal not normal really impacts the way that we have emotions so disagreeing with you okay so emotions are all based we have an emotional reaction based on our values so our values can come partially from society and how we're brought up but what you're really talking about was the next thing these judgments because that's societal judgments because you can help you can literally neutralize and collapse and grief sounds crazy we can talk about this more later you can collapse of grief somewhere between a two and a four-hour window completely neutralized will never come back no it sounds freaking crazy do you have a work we'll talk about it but judgment is the after part is if you're not grieving it's like you just lost your husband or you just lost your best friend like you just lost your brother how are you not ingredient to them that's societal judgment or suicidal judgment is I can't believe you're driving that nice car or I can't believe you spent that much money on this or societal judgment is you know how can you be friends with them like they're nobody yeah or the best of all judgment these days that I deal with so much is I'm comparing myself to social media that this person's life is perfect and they have so many followers and they have blah blah blah blah blah and it's just a judgment on us nipa of time yeah that's also filter you and I won't actually make side note about that because obviously there are people here that are engaging with us on social media and social media is it's such an amazing platform but we have to really know our boundaries and leverage it properly because I've actually connected with people all over the world in similar professions with similar interests I've made amazing business relationships with people on social media that I would have never known in a million years and like some of these friendships are some of my best friendships so there's a lot of good that comes out of social media but at the same time what dr. Nick was just saying is that I lived while we both lived in California for a period of time and when we were living in California I remember thinking that I was missing out on everything I was missing out on weddings I was missing out on all of my friends living in their you know their apartments after college and having the most fun living in Asbury Park and I felt that I was missing out on tons of fun things and memories and events and it was very interesting to me because when I came back and we moved back to New Jersey I remember thinking like oh my gosh I can't wait to be part of all these cool things and you know I would get together with my random girlfriends that I grow up with and they're all just still chit-chatting about each other oh she's a pain in the butt okay can you believe she's dating this one and I'm like so confused I'm like oh my gosh you guys lived like you were living your best lives you know doing the best things having the most fun and it was just a perception it was such a false perception because nothing is always perfect and there's always going to be the good and the bad and we can't look at social media because people are only posting the good they're not posting the bad and sometimes unfortunately the people that are posting the bad they're just posting it to get attention and we have to understand that social media is the story that we want to create and we can leverage it if we want to be raw and authentic and show people the good in the back but stop living in a place and everything is supposed to be good don't get in don't read the books that say you know put positive affirmations all over your house and your mirror and this and that because that will drive a level of psychosis if for you to think that everything is always going to be one-sided then you're living in a fantasy and you're going to create a lot of disappointment nightmares yeah so so if you do have a lot of nightmares assume it does know nightmares having fantasy is actually the driver for creating night nurse so if somebody has nightmares one of things with the Demartini technique is you actually go through and you find the fantasies you bring the families down and that actually collapses the nightmare it's pretty cool well I think it's so interesting because fantasies are something that a lot of us are creating about coolly should be where we should be and it's like the the relationship of the person who's our type like let me tell you for what I learned I don't like nobody knows what the heck their type is you might know what you physically want your spouse to look like close what sorry California what 20 Robbins told me to make a list of learned a lot I found a list of Nick's like perfect dream girl I'm so annoyed but I was my own crap but yeah he was told to write out exactly what the girl is supposed to like look like smell like dress like it was actually a very I wasn't for real so yeah so whatever that could be right or wrong I don't really know but I think that it's like we are creating a fantasy and we're living in this model where you literally swipe right swipe let or whatever it is I don't know I've never all like dated but we're like creating this like oh you don't have this job oh you don't have this hair and we just kind of ignore these people when it's so superficial and we're not even digging any deeper than that but that's a whole side side conversation itself but I think that one of the things that I want Nick to talk more about is before we use really truly understand the triggers that you're experiencing you need to understand where these triggers come from and these triggers come from your values and your beliefs and I know that when I was able to use the Demartini strategy is to decipher what the heck my values are a lot of my triggers and a lot of my judgments started to make a lot of sense them making sense allowed me to feel more free of them so I'll let you just explain a little bit more like what does that mean for someone to have values so what you said there was completely amazing because when we are triggered it comes from what's in the PowerPoint here is that you feel like I'm not in control so when you don't feel in control you don't have any opportunity and you don't feel free so really a lack of freedom is really why we feel triggered foundationally it's like he said we first have to know what's most important to us really who we are and that can change over time depend on things that happen to us at different stages of life but really like once you figure out what's most important to you with John Demartini calls your top three values every single question needs to be literally serving those top three values because if you're not serving those top three you're not serving yourself and if you're not serving yourself you really can't truly serve anyone else because you'll be doing something out of some resentment whether consciously or unconsciously and that kind of just an aside point that going back to and I said there's three options for relationships there's a win-win of when lose and a lose-lose so understanding the flow of energy we always want there to be a fair exchange so what's saving once I figure out my values it's really my job to figure out really what's most important to Nepal here so once I do then a reasonable discussion we have a win-win what her values being being served as well as my values when losses demand a relationship which is the way the majority of our relationships are most of the time you just do it my way and everything will be okay happy wife if she could just see where I'm coming from then everything will be better my mother-in-law would just understand why I want to do this and everything will be better we're all guilty of doing this is just well my way is better and the way that our think is is better than others because you or the other person who's trying to control the situation so you once you do then you can breathe because you have freedom because what you believe in is not being challenged and that's what triggers is when really what you believe foundationally is being challenged so we try to control the situation so nothing changes and we're safe and we're free so that's really what a trigger is but it's also people are trying to they're like I know New Jersey people always we start to be really reactive and we start to now push why what we believe is good or why the way we do it is good and we try to play this convincing role but really at the end of the day it's like tomato tomahto like you have a set of values that you're constantly operating out of so maybe one of your values is is education for your kids and you're spending a boatload of money on putting your kids in the best schools ever but then you know you're going to Christmas and your mother-in-law is like I just don't understand why you're doing that let them go to public school I went to public school public school is fine there's nothing wrong with public school oh is it because you want to show off in front of your friends and that's and you want your you know your kids to be in a fancy school like you're you're literally having this dynamic that she doesn't understand that your biggest value is making sure that your kids have a good education and she's maybe saying put your money towards something else that she finds more valuable maybe she thinks that it's more valuable to have a good meal on the table every day or it's more valuable to have more quality time with your kids opposed to them being in this school with tons of homework and sports so it's really understanding that you're operating out of two different value system and then you're expecting you know by the time you're expecting each other or expecting to understand each other there's already emotions heightened and we're already on the defense and we're trying to control the situation and it's not that so no no two people have the same values and we shouldn't be trying to find a partner or have a relationship with friends with the exact values as you because really if you look at how the world spins it's because there's a combination of everything and every like there's actually ironically to have that balance of energy there has to be somebody the exact opposite values of you to balance you and having your values well do they say opposites attract they don't say it for no reason well opposites attract but it's also it's like you can date somebody you can marry somebody with similar or opposite values because even in both its really relationships or work whether it's a relationship at a family party or a relationship with a spouse or even the relationship as a kid was a son or daughter it's those relationships take work and that's what love is love is actually putting the work in energy and to having that fair exchange that's of all love is as a balance gratitude balancing both the benefits and the drawbacks but that's the difference between a victim and a master so victims are reactive they think that they're not in control and they're really honestly not because the scenario is actually controlling them and therefore they're reacting where the master actually sees the the balance and that Energy's really not overly positive or negative there's not more benefits than job action with drawbacks and benefits is that the energy is always just moving and transformation and that an understanding that the master can utilize whatever happens seen both sides to serve themselves instead of actually being controlled by the situation in itself so understanding that number three on number one is stay grounded one of my favorite things to stay grounded and take yourself out of this limbic system overdrive is a quick question well this is interesting so when you state a question that takes us out of the overdrive limbic emotional system of the brain and forces that energy to go into the prefrontal cortex which is our decision-making that's why all these young young kids especially males we develop our frontal limbic or our frontal brain slower so we can never make good decisions I'm still great excuse I'm still trying to develop my pre cortex so I still sometimes miss Brett efficiency so but when we do that we drive the energy into our frontal brain so that we can actually make a more conscious grounded decision and then what I always like to go from there once we're out of that is same all right well where is this emotion coming from and a lot of it is either coming from the past or the present I'm sorry the past or the future so when we look at the future it's all more fear driven the past when we look at it is usually more guilt and shame the very cool aspect is that we can actually get simplifying condense these so it doesn't have to magnify and be so huge and hairy and dark and scary when it comes to fear we only fear two things sounds crazy but when you look at the animalistic nature it's like we're always trying to avoid pain and seek pleasure so when it comes to fear it's like we're really fearing a gaining pain or losing pleasure one of those two things once you can take that fear and put it in one of those two categories then it's actually pretty simple to do something about it because we really know is it more of pain or is it more of pleasure that we're fearing and then going back in the past is it you know build shame sometimes grief can be with that and then once we can handle that we can bring that into balance and move forward as well so it's really about like gaining knowledge making quality decisions and questions so that we can have quality answers following that and then set an intention and taking action well I think serious like being able to circle back to what we're talking about even with the values is that you know we're not gonna always understand why people value certain things which obviously can trigger us but I think that the biggest thing is that of what I realized over time is that most of the time people are operating out of their own voids so but I'll give you a simple example is my grandmother grew up in the Great Depression and you know her one of her biggest values was family quality time having food on the table so she had very little money but she spent all of her money on those things like that was the absolute most important so she was very loud Italian woman and she was very quick to judge if people you know spent their money in different ways or or didn't you know spend time with their family but you know she was really just operating out of the experiences that she had in her life and I do feel that you know that kind of trickled down into you know even myself with having a big value on quality time with loved ones and with that it's uh it's not that you know every family party has been the most amazing thing or holidays were always you know super enjoyable but like Nick was saying earlier is that one of these specific things that I remember judging you know pretty tremendously was when we would go out to dinner and there would be someone at the table that was like nickel and diming the bill saying oh I'm only gonna pay my you know 25 and 23 cents and and just kind of like the rest of us would just be like split it who cares it's fine and it's really because there was a portion of my friends that also have the same value we all value getting together spending time with each other and we didn't feel that we could have put a price on that so we would judge the person that was you know like nickel and diming the bill thinking that like oh my gosh what's wrong with them who acts like that when really at the end of the day this was a person that you know I'm sure they enjoy quality time but really at the end of the day they really valued well they they valued having more money in their bank account and maybe that was because their parents didn't pay for them to go to college and they valued having money in the bank so that they could have a college fund for their kids you know you never really know why people are operating in the way that they do a lot of times especially with family when they are you know giving you a hard time or saying you know why are you doing that doing that I might sound crazy but a lot of times they're doing it out of a place of love because they are wanting something better for you and I'm just really saying this because that's what they presume to be better don't get me wrong there are obviously people that are just malicious and being a pain in the ass I'd say very rarely though I mean well it's the same thing with my parents when I was being aggressive and malicious and throwing all their food in the hope because I was really just doing that because I was like I don't I don't want you guys to get sick from eating all this crap or using you know a deodorant with aluminum and everything else so I was doing it out of a place of love but I was just doing it in a bit of a corrosive way I mean honestly I think one of the best things also take away is that a part of what I'm saying right now I wouldn't agree with like you're listening to this like I'm probably wrong and in but it's honestly it's like when you listen to somebody they can only give advice up to the amount of knowledge that they have yeah knowledge and wisdom so it's like parsley it's like I'm smart but I'm not compared to some other people about certain things so it's like listen and learn as much as you can and then take that and come have that knowledge to be able to compare that to what you know or really resonates with you and then use that like don't listen to everything we say and don't listen to everything your friends say so yeah because but once you can look at it through those eyes of perception it's like you don't have to be triggered because you know they're actually trying to come like we're sitting here after work trying to just educate out of love and it might not look like that over the holidays but a lot of times people are doing the same thing it's just our perception because we're already on high alert it's like we're thinking that you're coming at me instead of actually trying to just help which may be beneficial or may not be beneficial in terms of what's really congruent with you well I think what you just said in the beginning was really significant because they're people people have a limited skill set so if you think that you're gonna show up to Christmas and that the one on to the one family member that is always being a pain in the ass or giving you a hard time or you know pushing judgment if you think that they're gonna magically not do that anymore and you know everything's gonna be better chances are that's not gonna happen because not many people are necessarily tapping into you know what are my values how can I do better how can I be better or how can I show up differently again most people are just thinking like well I'm right and this is the way it should be and everybody should think this way so for you when it comes to how you show up and how you react is the only thing that you can really be in control of is yourself and if you choose to acknowledge that you have a set of values and everybody else has something different and you know you kind of take that moment you say to yourself oh that's interesting that you said that and you've really process where that might be coming from it's so unbelievably freeing when you're just like alright you know she's just doing that because you know she grew up that way and this is what she values and you know I get it I see it it doesn't mean you have to agree but it just allows you to you know step back and be like you know this is really not even about me it might be coming towards me but it's really not about me and you know I'm sure she's doing this with good intent but I'm just gonna choose to do me and not react and that's the best you can do so I'd like to come at this two different ways the first honestly jumping off of what Matt said is that the subconscious is your subconscious mind is your default program so looking more about the law of attraction and what we attracting to our lives it's it's really coming from our subconscious mind so all information first comes into our conscious mind goes through that anything that we see is balanced it's actually transferred up to our intimate mind or super consciousness anything that we see is either more benefits than JonBenet or more drawbacks and benefits is what we call split and that gets pushed down and actually held in two or subconsciousness until we can actually bring that back up into balance and then transcend that into our intimate mind but when we have these things that are split we need a feedback mechanism to help us actually see that our perceptions are off that they're really not serving us and our what happens is really we don't like it too much I miss our environment that gives us feedback and fortunately or unfortunately family knows us the best so they know how to trigger us the best so we can actually use it or we can get pissed off so really the best thing is is really come into the situation from the other side if we are getting triggered to be like you so much you're calling me out on my [ __ ] and when you look at it like that you can actually laugh off the situation and not even hold it because you're actually just making a list of them giving you this amazing advice where you're imbalanced and honestly like the body does not care what stresses physical chemical emotional energetic it's if you have stress it creates sickness and disease so really really taking the time to when we get triggered this holiday season or any time in life just write it down if you can't deal with it at that time putting your pocket later that night you know write it out see benefits see drawbacks bring it into balance calling me I'll help you take you through the Demartini method there's a million ways to really resolve these things but it's really looking at as an opportunity to better yourself but on the other side of that if you work on yourself before going into these family dynamics and you are unbalanced you brought your main triggers and the balance guess what that bully is not going to show up because there's nothing to bully I really would I would love to get into schools and do an anti anti-bullying campaign because bullies are necessary and it's like for kids if we can learn that at a young age it's so much better than growing up and then having learned into putting both the real life because really when you look at what a bully is they're picking on somebody that's disempowered and that happens at the same time with our family is they're going to unconsciously be able to bully us because it's the best person that knows you literally better than anybody else to give you that loving feedback to work on yourself and in school that's what a bully is doing is it's really giving loving feedback that somebody's disempowered the opportunity no one's put it that way perception perception is can be a [ __ ] because if we think that this guy or this gal is the worst thing ever to us that's our relationship with them what if we what would a bully do if they came up and I believe you Mike thank you so much I needed you in my life like we haven't been taught that to react like that but what if we did what if that was society nor like to be able to really quickly say thank you I love you feed myself with that love and then move on you know really quickly we're all going to to grow to love ourselves become more balanced new level new devil-like we're always going to have a challenge but at the same time the bully's gonna have a chance to build bring themselves down and if not they're gonna just transfer energy over to somebody else that actually needs their services yeah it's crazy to look at it like that I know but like I said when we first started this is that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over expecting a different result and we can literally see that in many different forms today the [ __ ] is not working well so we need to look at it to a different perception to be able to start serving ourselves to a greater capacity well and I think that just something to make sense of all of this as well as that you know I remember like one of the common themes with holidays was you know little wine goes down and then all of a sudden there is like a lot of the underlying unresolved things that are coming on really unresolved things that are coming to this ER but you know for myself there was definitely a lot of resentment towards my parents in the event that I was living in California and I was kind of on my own and they weren't very involved with you know what I was doing and I wasn't very supported in many ways financially was definitely one and then when things would come up from a financial perspective that you know and it was definitely me being irresponsible with money and it was easy to say yeah it's your fault you did this and you didn't care you didn't help me you didn't take care of me and these were things that you know ended up in to blowing up into these you know these arguments and whatnot but really at the end of the day it's just there was a perception that I had about them not caring and not not supporting me but really at the end of the day it was something that was helping me tremendously in my life and I wasn't a victim of what they were doing I was gaining so many life skills and independence and learning how to take care of myself and you know they were helping me in taking care of me but they weren't taking care of me in the way that I felt that they should at that time so I think it's just really important to kind of understand like what Nick's saying is that when certain things come up between family members a lot of that a lot of what's coming up is to open your eyes to the [ __ ] that you haven't resolved and maybe it's the [ __ ] you haven't resolved within yourself or maybe it's the [ __ ] you haven't resolved with your family because we're sitting back thinking that we are victims of certain scenarios or we're a victim that you know they abandon us or they didn't give us enough support or they didn't love us the way that we thought that they should or they didn't love us the way that my best friend's mom loved him like we're always doing this comparison game and then we're creating these perceptions around what it should be you have to understand that everybody shares and experiences loved a great book is was it Emanuel the five languages love I forget the exact author's name but five languages love is really shows that we all want to receive as well as give love differently and that also plays a part in your values so I know we've talked and past podcast that yeah a business person may be showing love by making a lot of money to support a family and the other spouse may be staying a home and they can each judge each other because they're not seen through the other person's eyes is that equally they're both doing not only serving themselves but also serving the family through a different means of energy different form but it's the same love but how significant is what you just said for the holidays like how many you know maybe dads are working their butts off all holiday season and then you know they're they're working maybe the early day on Christmas Eve and then you know barely making it to dinner but they bought the best gifts and then mom saying you know oh great you bought all these these gifts but who cares you can't even spend time with your family and your kids and that's because her value system might be quality time and his value system or his language of love as gifts or gift-giving so you know it's really that is such an amazing task that you can do literally google it you go to find languages of love and you do the test on yourself your spouse and your family members and it allows you to know how to operate within your family dynamic and you know if you're trying to make amends with a family member and you go out and buy them this awesome gift that you're stoked about and then you hand it to them and they're less than amused and they're just like you're just like oh my god I can't believe like I put so much time into this and like this was expensive and I just like I thought you would love it and you don't even care when maybe that person just wanted a hug and that's just really the interesting thing is just because you would love a gift does it necessarily mean that a family member would so it's really just kind of taking that step back and thinking about that because you can really well you can maybe save some money but number two is you know stepping into the holidays and being able to meet loved ones according to their love language which is a really interesting thing when you you see them light up because they're almost like oh my gosh like you you you really you know hit home here and this was really special today and that's going back to like when looking at relationships we can have a when when or when lose-lose-lose so that when when has really taken the time to understand not only a person's values but their love language you know funny funny story it was like my first little love language and Nicole learned that mine was touched she goes perfect I'll bite you and massage and somebody can massage you and that will be showing showing me that you know we do that created the trigger for her then we know it was still be unbalanced if it was balanced then we know there's no trigger for her and she resolved and mastered that not a victim anymore you can definitely leverage love languages by the way honey the other day she was all cuddly and I was like what do you want I bought it anyway so as we continued obviously we've talked about this but just to kind of reiterate is that when it comes down to the judgments that you are placing on others as well as the judgments that you are feeling and being triggered by from others is really coming back to your values and your belief system so take that moment to really just you can go online and you can actually figure out the solution you can let the values factor come on figure out what's most important yeah yeah or valleys determination online yeah well the values factor is the book that John Demartini wrote and then online EQ go to values determination that will come up I really like it I mean it isn't you know one on one personal it's a program so I don't think it has the ability to get as deep like dark that's an amazing start for sure but once these really establish your values the triggers that you have in the judgments that you constantly place on others or feel your it's gonna make a lot of sense to you and it's also going to be very freeing when you're able to be like oh that's why that pisses me off ooh that's why you know that person gets under my skin so much at the same time that's why you might be triggering someone else you know yeah it's it goes definitely energy bi-directional oh for sure and when you have like an interesting dynamic with a co-worker and you guys we just don't get along we need to stay away from each other that definitely could be something that you're doing that you have no frickin clue but it's triggering them because they're there's something that is not within their value system belief system and something that they just black and white don't understand I actually have this conversation with clients morning so we were talking about you know how do I know like who I should be hanging out with who's a good friend you know with family like who should I be spending time with and I really responded in a way that you know we don't want to avoid someone and just to the fact that they're triggering us because if if they're doing that it's really that feedback mechanism that we just talked about it's our relationship it's not them you don't run from notes just look at it in the face and say why are you triggering a bit because if you don't get it from them in your run away from them it's gonna come back yeah they're from somewhere or something else and usually even into a greater proportion because you just ignored it the first time so the only time to actually stray away from somebody is because you're balanced with them you can hang out with them and have just a fine time but they're really not pushing you to be the better version of yourself if you're really if one of your values is too really grow and constantly develop and become a better version of yourself then that's the type of people that you really need to hang out with and if they're constantly bringing you down they might not be the best person to surround yourself with yeah just even an interesting example about this is that you know there was some recent conversations that I had and a specific person was dealing with a lot of obstacles and challenges in her life that were really just like screaming in her face for her to stand up for herself and for her to speak up and she repeatedly did not do that and it got so extreme to the point that her husband was just was cheating on her for a long period of time and it was like this unspoken thing even though they both knew what was going on and you know I kind of asked I said do you think that this is continuing to happen because it's almost like screaming at you or he's you know almost screaming at you to say pull me out call me out like stand up for yourself and you know obviously this is this is just something that I just was able to look back or I guess take a step back from and it's not a validating what's right and wrong but it's more so just you know this is a person that could easily just say divorce run away goodbye or you know if she does stand up for herself she might completely change the trajectory of her life because it's going to recreate in some other form so it's just very interesting you know the kind of the slaps in the face that we get from our surroundings and it's really just trying to leverage those so that we can let go the [ __ ] and and step into this place of empowerment as well just so you guys know the ones that are on Instagram this is going to cut us off in the next minute and a half so if you do want the whole webinar or you want to pop in any questions quickly you can definitely shoot us a direct message and we be happy there's Bobby but one of the other things that I want to just say too is a lot of people especially with the holidays you know they say whatever I knowing them is gonna be a pain but you know I'm strong and I'll be able to get through it and I can handle stress well so I can handle all the BS and really when it comes down to genetics versus evolution is that just because you think you can handle stress does not mean that your body genetically understands that when your body is dealing with stress it is literally producing hormones stress hormones and particularly doggies are the best so just because you think you can handle it doesn't necessarily mean you're not having an actual physical stress response so it's really really important to not just take the family dynamic and take all the stress and stop it down and say oh thank god the holidays are over I'm good now it's really being able to use the tools that you've learned today and be able to take the situation deconstruct it acknowledge your values acknowledge your triggers and be able to see the lesson that it has been learned and be able to move forward from there so I think that's a really important thing to take away so it was the big thing is when we're trying to really work through the emotional things that we've been through different traumas if we've had issues with PTSD and I'm not talking you know you were a war veteran I'm talking PTSD could be from a really bad fight it could be from a car accident it could be from so many different things but it's really knowing that talk therapy is not the only option out there it's really just there are so many different techniques but often enough it's a collaboration of techniques that really helps people the most one of the techniques that we've obviously shed light on today is really determining your and that's step number one in what we call the de martini method is figuring out what you actually care about and what might be the route for why you're triggered by the things that you're triggered and then from there is leveraging something called the de martini method that allows you to work through the perceptions that you have around different things that you're holding space for and being able to collapse those perceptions and walk away being free of the emotional chains that you have one sticks perience so I really can't tell you enough about the method dr. NIC is the one who does it and he really is amazing at doing it he does it to me pretty much every day when he has to call me out on my BS but but it's definitely something that has been life-changing for many many of our patients patients that have been able to let go of years of baggage and step into a new version of themselves that I don't think that they really thought was possible it literally takes the Pappy's really trying to re you think I want dinner but it really takes the shackles of limiting beliefs out so you can just really be a better version yourself love yourself the most and not be triggered I think that's huge like how many people spend the majority of their day you know really just doing or giving energy to their triggers so so outside of the Demartini method you know sometimes when it comes to these long-standing experiences traumas or even different types of PTSD patterns sometimes you actually have to leverage different modalities to retrain the brain or allow the limbic system to heal and that's one of the reasons why we use something called neurofeedback which the PTSD protocol actually leverages a specific program in the neurofeedback so these are different methods that really help to balance out these really strong pathways that have been created around the different traumas or events that you've dealt with and also even side of these more tactile neurological types of therapies yeah sure so if I put the neurofeedback and tying that together with emotional stresses when we it's like riding a bike you know you do it more and more and that neuroplasticity the catch between your brain your body gets stronger and stronger and stronger so the more we actually play the story that's not true and not serving ourselves more more and more it becomes stronger and stronger and stronger and in neuroscience we always talk about neurons that fire together wire together so the more we do something the stronger it gets and it actually grabs on to other brain cells other neurons around it to pretty much grow the collection that creates that fire that stronger firing so what happens is you can bring something into balance through the Demartini method but if that story's been running for so long we may need to do some actual physical work as well and that's where the neurofeedback is amazing because even just like neurological Lyme and a lot of other stress you can pretty much take the bacteria out of the body you can take the emotion wouldn't quote out of the body but you still may need to do some actually the right one reprogramming and this is where neurofeedback it's just amazing yeah and on the same token is that you know one of the previous webinars that we did which is definitely very fascinating if you're someone that has been really struggling with emotional ups and downs but it's understanding that these emotions can actually manifest in physical tissue but also they can create blockages in your energetic system which is known as the Meridian system so the thing is is that some people listening or like what the heck's in Meridian that's whoo-whoo but really the funny thing is is that acupuncture is the most like commonly accepted alternative therapy even covered by insurance and that is a Meridian based therapy literally they put needles in your meridians to clear blockages and sometimes those blockages are emotional so that's when you hear about people that they put big an acupuncture and they started crying hysterically well they felt angry within the moment after the needles went in everybody has a different experience but it's really leveraging different types of therapies or even technologies like acupuncture could be a great move Dali to clear out emotional baggage that's in your body or in your energetic system we actually leverage a digital technology that actually scans the meridians for different stressors so you can actually scan the meridians to see what emotions are stressing those areas and then use a modality to clear them out so literally there are so many different ways to go about it and it's not just about going into a talk therapy session and retelling your story over and over and over again because that's just creating stronger imbalance neurological pathways so you know we're here to do this because you don't know what you don't know and there are so many people that are struggling emotionally immensely and so many people that are not enjoying the holidays they're dreading the holidays and there are ways that you can step into the holidays different number one and number two is if you feel like you know ok this is all great but I can't do this on my own I'm I'm so angry I'm so resentful and I just feel that I can't think clearly about these things that I learned tonight then that's really where these other modalities come in is being able to take you through a process to collapse the [ __ ] essentially and everybody needs a coach I mean I know the Demartini with people almost every single day but I still use the facilitator sometimes for myself because we all have blind spots you know I use the method a lot for myself but I also know there's there's things outside of my peripheral but I can't see so that's when I use a facilitator and we literally go back and forth and help each other to see the blind spots and bring those you know imbalance perceptions back into balance so that we can decrease that stress load and move move forward well and I think we apply this principle to every other Avenue of life like every basketball team has a coach every football team has a coach everybody has a coach business we have come business we have coaches you know in school we have teachers professors etc but we don't apply these principles to a lot of other aspects of life but really when you bring it down it makes sense that you will need some type of coach at a period of time in order to work through those blind spots so and that's really what kind of brings us to this slide is when you get into this functional versus integrative medicine approach some of you that are new to this world might be like well aren't they the same thing or what the heck are either one of them I don't really know but when we really started our practice we focused more on okay let's do blood work let's check for heavy metals let's check for infections and let's do you know a dietary change and let's leverage supplements and that allow or caused us to hit plateaus and we knew that people were stressed we knew people were dealing with anxiety and depression and we knew people that were you know going to work every day and hating their job or hating their boss but we just didn't have tools we didn't know how we can help those people the best with also taking into consideration our knowledge of neurology so that is when we started to move towards this integrative model and we stopped ignoring the fact that yeah you have gastrointestinal issues but maybe you have a knot in your stomach every time you deal with a stressful situation and you have a knot in your stomach every time you have to show up to a family party so we can't sit here and be like we're gonna throw supplements and the elimination diet at that this is more so you know we need to figure out like what is that emotional trigger that is happening gluten is not causing my rage maybe no rage is causing your gluten intolerance either one so one of the biggest things is that people all over is curious okay like how does this work like you know I I know that you know I want to use my insurance and you know what is what is integrative medicine how does that work with my insurance etc so obviously when it comes to this unique integrative approach is that we really do feel that insurance is going in a different direction but unfortunately they're not really acknowledging a lot of therapies that are outside of the traditional aka the traditional talk therapy so it's either talk therapy or nothing else and this is something that is definitely getting people into this rut essentially of telling their story over and over again building stronger and stronger neurological pathways and then there are still two press end up on medication and then it spirals into you know now it's anxiety and depression or maybe it becomes bipolar so we choose to serve people and we choose to spend time so what would you say on average you of the amount of time you spend during the Demartini method the whole thing reduced the method itself just the method itself the first ones used about three hours yeah so he's spending almost an hour just figuring out your values then doing about three hours when he's doing the method and then you're also doing a post session to make sense of it all and allow people to to implement so this is a massive amount of time but like he said early on I know some of you are just hopping on now but dr. D martini specifically has resolved how many cases of grief so like this is a powerful method that is breaking through these perceptions these triggers within hours not years of therapy so it's definitely something worth worth exploring and you can look at our site and learn a little bit more about the method and and how we go about it my favorite thing is that you're not bound to like I say over half of the Demartini we're going to do is do a zoom or over the phone games like it doesn't like so much quote-unquote medical cards day has to be face to face and one of our biggest stressors is the mental emotional aspect and you can do it and you living room it's pretty awesome yeah it's very very accessible but you know I think that we all need to shift our mindset and really circle back to what health care is is that we call this health care but really it's disease care there is a lot of band-aid work that's happening is oh you're depressed let's put a bandaid on it oh you hate your family take a xanax before you go and really that's not health care at all we're just covering up symptoms left and right and nobody is giving us tools nobody is giving up strategies nobody is giving us solutions long lasting solutions and that's really where we are trying to do things different and we are literally trying to give a facelift to health care so the big a huge facelift so the cool thing is is that you know the Demartini method is obviously its kind of its own entity and nick is you know spending time with you deciphering what your values are just ciphering what the story is that keeps running in your mind but you know when it comes to leveraging those other types of therapies if we are going to leverage the bioenergetic work or we leverage the neurofeedback everything else we leverage testing force so we actually have the ability to do a QE eg a brain map to figure out what's over fire what's under firing what you know where are the imbalances so there is a lot of science there is a lot of very very specific testing that goes into the work that we do and the really cool thing too is if you look at Demartini on our site or if you need to look at it through Demartini site is that the whole foundation of it is physics and it's it's literally looking at the principles of physics and and helping you understand how the method actually works I was gonna say something so like Nick said is that you could do this from a distance of being long distances absolutely no problem if we are doing any other types of testing a lot of our testing that we do is through a DNA sample so that is actually just by simply sending us a hair sample we have access to your DNA eh but overall with the Demartini method just on its own this is something that can be done through soon so it's really amazing that you can access this really from anywhere in the world and I've actually had the chat box open the entire time so I'll give you guys the next few moments to throw in some questions if you have any but I definitely hope that this was really informative and you have some tools even if it's one tool I'll see you step into the holiday season and you know you're embarking on all these different parties but you know just take that step back and just you know be able to hear people out and and take that moment to really try to think about you know what are their values why are they acting this way why do they have such a strong opinion about this this or this and why am I being so triggered and you know how is what they're saying not in alignment with my values and just being able to take the breath stay grounded stay calm not be reactive you will see a very very significant shift in the people around you yeah it's like my biggest thing is always getting yourself out of that limbic systems and well this is interesting asking yourself that quality question and then just compounding that continue to ask better quality questions so you can get better feedback how's it going into family dynamics the holidays it's always good to go into a situation prepared for the worst but hope for the best so if you can make a list of some of the triggers that you know then just go through and look at maybe why you're being triggered or look and see how that trigger is actually a benefit to you that's not just a drawback like make a list of 50 benefits of something that you resent right now and eventually the biggest things in the Demartini method is that it's crazy you end up being grateful for those resentments and you utilize becoming the master you take that and you serve yourself with it exactly it's just even some of the things when you take the moment to take a step back and think about it some of the things that I know that I perceived in my life as being negative or being bad or being traumatic is they all serve their purpose to some capacity and a lot of it shaped who I ended up becoming and you know these are things that you were usually not aware of because we're being driven by the emotion attached to it of you know this was bad or I'm victim or you know this isn't fair and when you're able to kind of let that go and and reflect you see that a lot of it served a purpose and actually had benefits as well as the drawbacks so so it's a very fascinating method and I hope you guys enjoyed this we have grace coming at you next week where she is going to talk all about Jennifer it's actually done in both settings so we do private and then we also do group after you do the initial session called the the values determination that's actually when you and Nick decide what makes the most sense actually kind of dig in and you are able to really pinpoint what the major thing is that's going to be worked on then sometimes it's a mutual decision that you end up doing private but then there's still a lot of people that do group sessions as well so don't feel that you like have to commit to one or the other you can definitely change once you do that initial session which is cool and understanding the Demartini method there's benefits and drawbacks of doing the group and there's benefits and drawbacks are doing the one-on-one with groups it's amazing because you will just go through and you're doing a lot of the work yourself let me get stuck I'm jumping around I'm really in helping you see either more of the benefits of more of the drawbacks to keep that compounding effect so you can bring things into balance on the private side of things I have a little more fun with that one because you're gonna cover I'll cover a lot more ground we collapse so much more and the same time period so that we don't follow just a systematic approach is that I'm really jumping around to best serve you compounding it's hard to explain things now because I haven't really explained the whole method but literally it's more individualized I would say for you and where you're going where the group it's really only focusing on one trait or action or inaction that's imbalanced I think the private you end up connecting the dots because a lot of us are dealing with various things is you know we might be dealing with fear above something we might be doing with anger towards something from the past and Nick is able to connect the dots with a lot of the different things that we're holding space for and and then you're able to kind of understand the connection and then obviously how strategies to to move past it so again guys we thank you for being here on next week we are going to be talking all about how to not go off the deep end with food through the holiday season because that's usually the other struggle is giving you some awesome tools with our nutritionist grace and really being able to to bust through that and walk away from the holidays not feeling like you need a 75 day cleanse 21 just 21 all right guys we will see you next week and we hope that you are enjoying the holidays so far