Are People Assholes or Just Unskilled? | Webinar

[music] [music] [music] Hey guys, welcome back to another Hey guys, welcome back to another Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Integrative You Radio. You episode of Integrative You Radio. You episode of Integrative You Radio. You have the luxury of having Dr. Nick today have the luxury of having Dr. Nick today have the luxury of having Dr. Nick today as well as myself. And we're talking as well as myself. And we're talking as well as myself. And we're talking about a hot topic of are people just about a hot topic of are people just about a hot topic of are people just [  ] Get my notebook. I got to get my Get my notebook. I got to get my Get my notebook. I got to get my notebook for this one. notebook for this one. notebook for this one. [laughter] I was thinking about this um in detail I was thinking about this um in detail I was thinking about this um in detail and usually a lot of the the times we and usually a lot of the the times we and usually a lot of the the times we come up with our podcast episodes is come up with our podcast episodes is come up with our podcast episodes is just in real life conversations that just in real life conversations that just in real life conversations that we're having with people and of course we're having with people and of course we're having with people and of course we've navigated things on our own of you we've navigated things on our own of you we've navigated things on our own of you know just like gosh like that's such an know just like gosh like that's such an know just like gosh like that's such an interesting behavior such an interesting interesting behavior such an interesting interesting behavior such an interesting thing that we experienced with this thing that we experienced with this thing that we experienced with this person person person and I just think it's a natural thing and I just think it's a natural thing and I just think it's a natural thing that we've all navigated to varying that we've all navigated to varying that we've all navigated to varying degrees in our life. And I was really degrees in our life. And I was really degrees in our life. And I was really thinking about the the root of it all, thinking about the the root of it all, thinking about the the root of it all, the root cause. And the root cause. And the root cause. And this might shock some of you, this might shock some of you, this might shock some of you, but I don't think that the majority I'm but I don't think that the majority I'm but I don't think that the majority I'm not going to speak for everyone. I don't not going to speak for everyone. I don't not going to speak for everyone. I don't think the majority of people are think the majority of people are think the majority of people are actually actually actually malicious [  ] like meaning they malicious [  ] like meaning they malicious [  ] like meaning they really intentionally really intentionally really intentionally want to hurt you and cause pain. I want to hurt you and cause pain. I want to hurt you and cause pain. I definitely think there are some people definitely think there are some people definitely think there are some people that unfortunately operate out of that that unfortunately operate out of that that unfortunately operate out of that place. But my theory, and I'm curious to place. But my theory, and I'm curious to place. But my theory, and I'm curious to hear Dr. Nick's spin on this, is that hear Dr. Nick's spin on this, is that hear Dr. Nick's spin on this, is that I think a lot of people have zero I think a lot of people have zero I think a lot of people have zero [  ] interpersonal skills. They have [  ] interpersonal skills. They have [  ] interpersonal skills. They have zero understanding of behavior, human zero understanding of behavior, human zero understanding of behavior, human behavior. They have zero behavior. They have zero behavior. They have zero skills when it comes to skills when it comes to skills when it comes to compassionate compassionate compassionate communication. communication. communication. They're usually too wired and and and They're usually too wired and and and They're usually too wired and and and fired up that they don't listen. fired up that they don't listen. fired up that they don't listen. And I think a lot of people lack the And I think a lot of people lack the And I think a lot of people lack the bravery to have bravery to have bravery to have difficult conversations. difficult conversations. difficult conversations. You know, something that we said that You know, something that we said that You know, something that we said that honestly was introduced to me in the honestly was introduced to me in the honestly was introduced to me in the business world was conflict avoided is business world was conflict avoided is business world was conflict avoided is conflict multiplied. conflict multiplied. conflict multiplied. And I sat with that and I was like, And I sat with that and I was like, And I sat with that and I was like, [  ] that is so unbelievably accurate. [  ] that is so unbelievably accurate. [  ] that is so unbelievably accurate. If you avoid a conversation, If you avoid a conversation, If you avoid a conversation, the conflict blows up. And maybe it's the conflict blows up. And maybe it's the conflict blows up. And maybe it's for you, maybe it's for the other for you, maybe it's for the other for you, maybe it's for the other person, but the probability it's both of person, but the probability it's both of person, but the probability it's both of you because if there's no communication you because if there's no communication you because if there's no communication or there's no true understanding, you or there's no true understanding, you or there's no true understanding, you you have the opportunity to create you have the opportunity to create you have the opportunity to create stories. stories. stories. Or if there's hard feelings that don't Or if there's hard feelings that don't Or if there's hard feelings that don't get resolved, they brew, they brew, they get resolved, they brew, they brew, they get resolved, they brew, they brew, they brew until someone explodes. And I know brew until someone explodes. And I know brew until someone explodes. And I know both of those dynamics are happening in both of those dynamics are happening in both of those dynamics are happening in families, they're happening in families, they're happening in families, they're happening in relationships, they're happening in uh relationships, they're happening in uh relationships, they're happening in uh friendships, they're happening in friendships, they're happening in friendships, they're happening in businesses, they're happening employer businesses, they're happening employer businesses, they're happening employer to employee and vice versa. to employee and vice versa. to employee and vice versa. And so kind of recapping is and and And so kind of recapping is and and And so kind of recapping is and and Nick, I'm I'm curious what you have to Nick, I'm I'm curious what you have to Nick, I'm I'm curious what you have to say about it, but I really I think that say about it, but I really I think that say about it, but I really I think that the a large portion of the population is the a large portion of the population is the a large portion of the population is not intentionally malicious, not intentionally malicious, not intentionally malicious, intentionally causing harm, intentionally causing harm, intentionally causing harm, but they lack bravery, and they don't but they lack bravery, and they don't but they lack bravery, and they don't have any [  ] skills. They don't have have any [  ] skills. They don't have have any [  ] skills. They don't have skills skills skills to sit to sit to sit and really think outside of the box and and really think outside of the box and and really think outside of the box and see a situation for what it is. They see a situation for what it is. They see a situation for what it is. They don't have the ability to understand why don't have the ability to understand why don't have the ability to understand why a person might be operating the way they a person might be operating the way they a person might be operating the way they are because they can't think past are because they can't think past are because they can't think past themselves and their own feelings. And themselves and their own feelings. And themselves and their own feelings. And they don't have any skills. None of us they don't have any skills. None of us they don't have any skills. None of us learn skills unless we have to. The only learn skills unless we have to. The only learn skills unless we have to. The only reason Nick and I learned skills of reason Nick and I learned skills of reason Nick and I learned skills of communication, communication, communication, leadership, listening is leadership, listening is leadership, listening is because I want Dr. Nicole to stop because I want Dr. Nicole to stop because I want Dr. Nicole to stop beating me. beating me. beating me. Well, there's definitely that Well, there's definitely that Well, there's definitely that [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] you probably would still be taking the you probably would still be taking the you probably would still be taking the beatings if we didn't run a business beatings if we didn't run a business beatings if we didn't run a business together because together because together because I mean, sometimes I I intentionally, you I mean, sometimes I I intentionally, you I mean, sometimes I I intentionally, you know, cause you pain so that you beat me know, cause you pain so that you beat me know, cause you pain so that you beat me again because I like the pain. again because I like the pain. again because I like the pain. Yeah, you are kind of sick. Um, so Yeah, you are kind of sick. Um, so Yeah, you are kind of sick. Um, so that's a different topic for a different that's a different topic for a different that's a different topic for a different podcast. podcast. podcast. I got to keep people on their toes. I got to keep people on their toes. I got to keep people on their toes. They're listening to this. What the [  ] They're listening to this. What the [  ] They're listening to this. What the [  ] are they talking about? [clears throat] are they talking about? [clears throat] are they talking about? [clears throat] I think unfortunately a lot of I don't I think unfortunately a lot of I don't I think unfortunately a lot of I don't say unfortunately fortunately a lot of say unfortunately fortunately a lot of say unfortunately fortunately a lot of our listeners would be like, I get it. our listeners would be like, I get it. our listeners would be like, I get it. [laughter] So, excuse me. So, excuse me. So, excuse me. My first question for you is, what is an My first question for you is, what is an My first question for you is, what is an [  ] [laughter] you know, but I mean people like people you know, but I mean people like people you know, but I mean people like people like that intentionally like I think we like that intentionally like I think we like that intentionally like I think we use this word [  ] and it's just, you use this word [  ] and it's just, you use this word [  ] and it's just, you know, a word that we use and like know, a word that we use and like know, a word that we use and like sometimes we use it being especially my sometimes we use it being especially my sometimes we use it being especially my my Jersey and New Yorkers, it's like my Jersey and New Yorkers, it's like my Jersey and New Yorkers, it's like we're being funny like ah you're an we're being funny like ah you're an we're being funny like ah you're an [  ] and you know and then sometimes [  ] and you know and then sometimes [  ] and you know and then sometimes like we're using it like that person did like we're using it like that person did like we're using it like that person did something to me and they're an [  ] something to me and they're an [  ] something to me and they're an [  ] Um, and I think it's, you know, if we Um, and I think it's, you know, if we Um, and I think it's, you know, if we were to define it, I think it it has a were to define it, I think it it has a were to define it, I think it it has a different definition for a lot of different definition for a lot of different definition for a lot of different people, but we might be different people, but we might be different people, but we might be placing people in this category placing people in this category placing people in this category of they're an [  ] thinking that of they're an [  ] thinking that of they're an [  ] thinking that they are intentionally they are intentionally they are intentionally and maliciously and maliciously and maliciously harming us. Like an example is I got I harming us. Like an example is I got I harming us. Like an example is I got I got cheated on. You know, my husband got cheated on. You know, my husband got cheated on. You know, my husband cheated on me. And it's like they're an cheated on me. And it's like they're an cheated on me. And it's like they're an [  ] They're a terrible person. They [  ] They're a terrible person. They [  ] They're a terrible person. They did this to me. They destroyed the did this to me. They destroyed the did this to me. They destroyed the family. They they they they on some circumstances on some circumstances on some circumstances people are looking for a way out people are looking for a way out people are looking for a way out and they cheat because they know that and they cheat because they know that and they cheat because they know that that is a is a way out. Because if the that is a is a way out. Because if the that is a is a way out. Because if the other person says, "Fuck you. I'm done other person says, "Fuck you. I'm done other person says, "Fuck you. I'm done with you. They make the hard decision with you. They make the hard decision with you. They make the hard decision because the other person who the cheater because the other person who the cheater because the other person who the cheater lacked the bravery to have a really lacked the bravery to have a really lacked the bravery to have a really [  ] hard conversation. [  ] hard conversation. [  ] hard conversation. Yeah. I mean, so the reason I we'll get Yeah. I mean, so the reason I we'll get Yeah. I mean, so the reason I we'll get back to that. The [clears throat] reason back to that. The [clears throat] reason back to that. The [clears throat] reason I asked you that question is because I asked you that question is because I asked you that question is because people, people, people, including ourselves, um if we're not including ourselves, um if we're not including ourselves, um if we're not conscious enough in the moment, we label conscious enough in the moment, we label conscious enough in the moment, we label Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And labels tend to be all or nothing. So And labels tend to be all or nothing. So And labels tend to be all or nothing. So that person's an [  ] that person's an [  ] that person's an [  ] And it's like, okay, well, what does And it's like, okay, well, what does And it's like, okay, well, what does that mean? Is a better intelligent that mean? Is a better intelligent that mean? Is a better intelligent question. You know, what's what's making question. You know, what's what's making question. You know, what's what's making them my perception be an [  ] Okay, them my perception be an [  ] Okay, them my perception be an [  ] Okay, they're acting like an [  ] in that they're acting like an [  ] in that they're acting like an [  ] in that moment. That's not who they are. moment. That's not who they are. moment. That's not who they are. That's not how they've acted their That's not how they've acted their That's not how they've acted their entire life with me. That's just this entire life with me. That's just this entire life with me. That's just this moment. maybe couple moments, you know, moment. maybe couple moments, you know, moment. maybe couple moments, you know, but that's not all the time. We get we but that's not all the time. We get we but that's not all the time. We get we put somebody in a label, you know, this put somebody in a label, you know, this put somebody in a label, you know, this is why I don't like quote unquote is why I don't like quote unquote is why I don't like quote unquote diseases because that's that's a diseases because that's that's a diseases because that's that's a description of that's who you are. description of that's who you are. description of that's who you are. That's what this person is. That's not That's what this person is. That's not That's what this person is. That's not true. true. true. So, if we label something, we're already So, if we label something, we're already So, if we label something, we're already putting somebody in a box that's not putting somebody in a box that's not putting somebody in a box that's not true. And unfortunately or fortunately true. And unfortunately or fortunately true. And unfortunately or fortunately how the brain works it's very efficient how the brain works it's very efficient how the brain works it's very efficient is it's always trying to fill in the is it's always trying to fill in the is it's always trying to fill in the gaps the mind. So if we put a label on gaps the mind. So if we put a label on gaps the mind. So if we put a label on something we're always unconsciously as something we're always unconsciously as something we're always unconsciously as well as consciously looking for well as consciously looking for well as consciously looking for something to what? Verify that label. something to what? Verify that label. something to what? Verify that label. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Did it again. [  ] [  ] Yep. Yep. Did it again. [  ] [  ] Yep. Yep. Did it again. [  ] [  ] Yep. You always do this. Well, You always do this. Well, You always do this. Well, and that person also does a lot of other and that person also does a lot of other and that person also does a lot of other things. But if you're only looking for things. But if you're only looking for things. But if you're only looking for something to verify your belief system, something to verify your belief system, something to verify your belief system, which is the label, which is the label, which is the label, then you're missing out on a lot of what then you're missing out on a lot of what then you're missing out on a lot of what life has to offer you. life has to offer you. life has to offer you. And we're going to be connected. We're And we're going to be connected. We're And we're going to be connected. We're going to be attached. Like Buddha always going to be attached. Like Buddha always going to be attached. Like Buddha always says, the root of all of our suffering says, the root of all of our suffering says, the root of all of our suffering comes from our attachment. Attachment is comes from our attachment. Attachment is comes from our attachment. Attachment is the belief system. The belief system is the belief system. The belief system is the belief system. The belief system is how we label how we label how we label the moments. the moments. the moments. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, [music] so really when you think of people being so really when you think of people being so really when you think of people being an [  ] yes, [clears throat] coming an [  ] yes, [clears throat] coming an [  ] yes, [clears throat] coming back to what you said 100%. You know, back to what you said 100%. You know, back to what you said 100%. You know, unconsciously, consciously, people will unconsciously, consciously, people will unconsciously, consciously, people will do things out of what they believe will do things out of what they believe will do things out of what they believe will best serve themselves. So if they don't best serve themselves. So if they don't best serve themselves. So if they don't want to have the conversation, you know, want to have the conversation, you know, want to have the conversation, you know, this is going to be an easy way to exit, this is going to be an easy way to exit, this is going to be an easy way to exit, you know, strategy, especially in like you know, strategy, especially in like you know, strategy, especially in like relationships, you know, it's like relationships, you know, it's like relationships, you know, it's like I don't want to make it about you. I'll I don't want to make it about you. I'll I don't want to make it about you. I'll take the blame. You know, what's an easy take the blame. You know, what's an easy take the blame. You know, what's an easy way for to get out of it? Boom. I'm way for to get out of it? Boom. I'm way for to get out of it? Boom. I'm going to I'm going to be an [  ] so going to I'm going to be an [  ] so going to I'm going to be an [  ] so you leave me so I don't have to leave you leave me so I don't have to leave you leave me so I don't have to leave you. I'm going to cheat on you so you you. I'm going to cheat on you so you you. I'm going to cheat on you so you could leave me. So, you know, I don't could leave me. So, you know, I don't could leave me. So, you know, I don't have to hurt you, even though you're have to hurt you, even though you're have to hurt you, even though you're hurting somebody. Um, you know, people's hurting somebody. Um, you know, people's hurting somebody. Um, you know, people's brains are are weird, but yeah, there's brains are are weird, but yeah, there's brains are are weird, but yeah, there's always going to be that initial strategy always going to be that initial strategy always going to be that initial strategy that somebody's using and they might not that somebody's using and they might not that somebody's using and they might not understand it, but it's there's always a understand it, but it's there's always a understand it, but it's there's always a strategy. Well, kind of like I want to strategy. Well, kind of like I want to strategy. Well, kind of like I want to expand upon this idea because I I do expand upon this idea because I I do expand upon this idea because I I do think that there's a lot of people that think that there's a lot of people that think that there's a lot of people that have felt betrayed in certain ways and have felt betrayed in certain ways and have felt betrayed in certain ways and this could be through a friendship, it this could be through a friendship, it this could be through a friendship, it could be through a romantic relationship could be through a romantic relationship could be through a romantic relationship and um you know there's obviously so and um you know there's obviously so and um you know there's obviously so many different versions of it but the many different versions of it but the many different versions of it but the going back to what I was saying is going back to what I was saying is going back to what I was saying is people lacking a very specific skill people lacking a very specific skill people lacking a very specific skill set. This is not necessarily always set. This is not necessarily always set. This is not necessarily always about avoiding the conflict or avoiding about avoiding the conflict or avoiding about avoiding the conflict or avoiding a hard conversation because in the event a hard conversation because in the event a hard conversation because in the event of of say you know someone being married of of say you know someone being married of of say you know someone being married they have kids together and you know they have kids together and you know they have kids together and you know they they've developed a life together they they've developed a life together they they've developed a life together they own assets together they own a they own assets together they own a they own assets together they own a house together you know their lives are house together you know their lives are house together you know their lives are very very inter intermingled like very very inter intermingled like very very inter intermingled like there's a there's a level of complexity there's a there's a level of complexity there's a there's a level of complexity there and there and there and the probability that it gets to the the probability that it gets to the the probability that it gets to the tipping point that someone is cheating tipping point that someone is cheating tipping point that someone is cheating is that there's been there's been is that there's been there's been is that there's been there's been different things that have been different things that have been different things that have been happening and snowballing down the hill happening and snowballing down the hill happening and snowballing down the hill for a period of time, but they kept, you for a period of time, but they kept, you for a period of time, but they kept, you know, oh, we had the other kid, we know, oh, we had the other kid, we know, oh, we had the other kid, we bought another asset together, and bought another asset together, and bought another asset together, and they're kind of like everything is they're kind of like everything is they're kind of like everything is eating away. So, one is it's not just eating away. So, one is it's not just eating away. So, one is it's not just about one person. It's about about one person. It's about about one person. It's about like awareness, you know, because if like awareness, you know, because if like awareness, you know, because if you're in a if you're in a situation you're in a if you're in a situation you're in a if you're in a situation that you got cheated on, that you got cheated on, that you got cheated on, that's going to piss some people off, that's going to piss some people off, that's going to piss some people off, but like you shouldn't be [  ] but like you shouldn't be [  ] but like you shouldn't be [  ] surprised. surprised. surprised. If you're so surprised and you're so If you're so surprised and you're so If you're so surprised and you're so floored and you're so like, "Holy [  ] floored and you're so like, "Holy [  ] floored and you're so like, "Holy [  ] I I never in a million years thought I I never in a million years thought I I never in a million years thought that this would happen." That means that that this would happen." That means that that this would happen." That means that you are not paying attention. You're not you are not paying attention. You're not you are not paying attention. You're not aware of the subtle signs. You're not aware of the subtle signs. You're not aware of the subtle signs. You're not aware of of of behaviors that are aware of of of behaviors that are aware of of of behaviors that are showcasing that someone's needs are not showcasing that someone's needs are not showcasing that someone's needs are not being met. Someone's not in it. being met. Someone's not in it. being met. Someone's not in it. Someone's not committed. Someone's not Someone's not committed. Someone's not Someone's not committed. Someone's not happy. And nobody is saying that anybody happy. And nobody is saying that anybody happy. And nobody is saying that anybody is right or wrong. But it's it's going is right or wrong. But it's it's going is right or wrong. But it's it's going back to this idea of developing a skill back to this idea of developing a skill back to this idea of developing a skill set for a a a great life because a great set for a a a great life because a great set for a a a great life because a great life is is composed of feeling like you life is is composed of feeling like you life is is composed of feeling like you have some type of purpose and mission have some type of purpose and mission have some type of purpose and mission when it comes to your career. It's when it comes to your career. It's when it comes to your career. It's having relationships beyond your having relationships beyond your having relationships beyond your romantic relationship. It's feeling like romantic relationship. It's feeling like romantic relationship. It's feeling like you're you're doing the best you can as you're you're doing the best you can as you're you're doing the best you can as a parent and you're you're developing a parent and you're you're developing a parent and you're you're developing great kids. Like it's not one-sided. If great kids. Like it's not one-sided. If great kids. Like it's not one-sided. If you have a good marriage and everything you have a good marriage and everything you have a good marriage and everything else is [  ] you're not going to have a else is [  ] you're not going to have a else is [  ] you're not going to have a great life. great life. great life. So this is about paying attention and So this is about paying attention and So this is about paying attention and understanding the signs, the signals, understanding the signs, the signals, understanding the signs, the signals, the the the behaviors all around you and the the the behaviors all around you and the the the behaviors all around you and and also understanding that you know if and also understanding that you know if and also understanding that you know if again going back to this one particular again going back to this one particular again going back to this one particular example which there are a million example which there are a million example which there are a million examples to you know that go along this examples to you know that go along this examples to you know that go along this topic is if someone cheated and and it's topic is if someone cheated and and it's topic is if someone cheated and and it's not it's not as black and white as they not it's not as black and white as they not it's not as black and white as they lacked the ability to just have a hard lacked the ability to just have a hard lacked the ability to just have a hard conversation, they might not even know conversation, they might not even know conversation, they might not even know exactly exactly exactly why they're unfulfilled. why they're unfulfilled. why they're unfulfilled. And it's not always because of you as And it's not always because of you as And it's not always because of you as the partner. There could be so many the partner. There could be so many the partner. There could be so many things that are are happening, but they things that are are happening, but they things that are are happening, but they don't even know how to how to verbalize don't even know how to how to verbalize don't even know how to how to verbalize it because there's so many holes and it because there's so many holes and it because there's so many holes and voids and wounds. And so, they don't voids and wounds. And so, they don't voids and wounds. And so, they don't have the conversation. Maybe not have the conversation. Maybe not have the conversation. Maybe not necessarily because they're not bold or necessarily because they're not bold or necessarily because they're not bold or brave enough, but because they're like, brave enough, but because they're like, brave enough, but because they're like, "I don't even [  ] know what's wrong "I don't even [  ] know what's wrong "I don't even [  ] know what's wrong with me. Like, I don't know why I feel with me. Like, I don't know why I feel with me. Like, I don't know why I feel the way I do. I don't know why I'm the way I do. I don't know why I'm the way I do. I don't know why I'm always looking for something or someone always looking for something or someone always looking for something or someone e outside of my spouse." Like, e outside of my spouse." Like, e outside of my spouse." Like, and so this kind of brings us to like and so this kind of brings us to like and so this kind of brings us to like the bigger picture here is that you the bigger picture here is that you the bigger picture here is that you don't learn this [  ] in school. You don't learn this [  ] in school. You don't learn this [  ] in school. You don't learn this with with your don't learn this with with your don't learn this with with your traditional therapist. You don't learn traditional therapist. You don't learn traditional therapist. You don't learn this through going to your doctor. Like, this through going to your doctor. Like, this through going to your doctor. Like, you don't learn this unless you commit you don't learn this unless you commit you don't learn this unless you commit to [clears throat] learning it. You to [clears throat] learning it. You to [clears throat] learning it. You invest your time, your energy, and your invest your time, your energy, and your invest your time, your energy, and your money to learn it. Like, this is money to learn it. Like, this is money to learn it. Like, this is something that no one's going to give to something that no one's going to give to something that no one's going to give to you. You have to be curious enough to you. You have to be curious enough to you. You have to be curious enough to develop these skills on your own instead develop these skills on your own instead develop these skills on your own instead of just thinking you're a victim. of just thinking you're a victim. of just thinking you're a victim. Well, and the Well, and the Well, and the nice thing about it is that nice thing about it is that nice thing about it is that [clears throat and cough] [clears throat and cough] [clears throat and cough] it's pretty easy, it's pretty easy, it's pretty easy, honestly. honestly. honestly. Well, here we go. Well, here we go. Well, here we go. Well, it is. Um, Well, it is. Um, Well, it is. Um, it's it's like a huge lie that we've it's it's like a huge lie that we've it's it's like a huge lie that we've been told because, you know, and I for been told because, you know, and I for been told because, you know, and I for the most part, I agree with 100% the most part, I agree with 100% the most part, I agree with 100% everything you said. The the only tiny everything you said. The the only tiny everything you said. The the only tiny little part is the little part is the little part is the the surprise aspect, you know? It's the surprise aspect, you know? It's the surprise aspect, you know? It's like, like, like, okay, okay, okay, it is a surprise. It can be a surprise it is a surprise. It can be a surprise it is a surprise. It can be a surprise even if the individual even if the individual even if the individual doesn't know where it's coming from doesn't know where it's coming from doesn't know where it's coming from and they've been lying to themselves so and they've been lying to themselves so and they've been lying to themselves so long that there's such a strong facade long that there's such a strong facade long that there's such a strong facade up up up that the other person, that the other person, that the other person, it'd be very difficult to get the clues. it'd be very difficult to get the clues. it'd be very difficult to get the clues. the clues are always there, you know, the clues are always there, you know, the clues are always there, you know, but if that's not their zone of genius, but if that's not their zone of genius, but if that's not their zone of genius, it's not going to be an easy thing to it's not going to be an easy thing to it's not going to be an easy thing to pick up on, etc. But when I said the pick up on, etc. But when I said the pick up on, etc. But when I said the easy part is is, you know, you talked easy part is is, you know, you talked easy part is is, you know, you talked about paying attention. about paying attention. about paying attention. Okay. Well, Okay. Well, Okay. Well, in a business, in a business, in a business, you don't just pay attention, you you don't just pay attention, you you don't just pay attention, you collect data. That's how you pay collect data. That's how you pay collect data. That's how you pay attention. attention. attention. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that's how like Yeah. pay And that's that's how like Yeah. pay And that's that's how like Yeah. pay attention in your family. But the way to attention in your family. But the way to attention in your family. But the way to truly pay attention is to collect data. truly pay attention is to collect data. truly pay attention is to collect data. And that's why having meetings And that's why having meetings And that's why having meetings with meetings for yourself, meetings for with meetings for yourself, meetings for with meetings for yourself, meetings for the couple, meetings for the family the couple, meetings for the family the couple, meetings for the family structure. That's paying attention. structure. That's paying attention. structure. That's paying attention. That's because paying attention for the That's because paying attention for the That's because paying attention for the most part is a lot of it's most part is a lot of it's most part is a lot of it's subjectiveness. You know, it's like, oh, subjectiveness. You know, it's like, oh, subjectiveness. You know, it's like, oh, this person's having reaction. This this person's having reaction. This this person's having reaction. This person's doing things that makes them person's doing things that makes them person's doing things that makes them happy, etc. happy, etc. happy, etc. But to be able to set aside space and But to be able to set aside space and But to be able to set aside space and time where you evaluate yourself, you time where you evaluate yourself, you time where you evaluate yourself, you evaluate your relationship, you evaluate evaluate your relationship, you evaluate evaluate your relationship, you evaluate the family dynamic. And that's the family dynamic. And that's the family dynamic. And that's objective. objective. objective. And this is why I say it's not that hard And this is why I say it's not that hard And this is why I say it's not that hard because there's a [  ] million because there's a [  ] million because there's a [  ] million businesses that are doing this. Not a businesses that are doing this. Not a businesses that are doing this. Not a not a million families, not a million not a million families, not a million not a million families, not a million couples, couples, couples, unfortunately, because it's the same unfortunately, because it's the same unfortunately, because it's the same process, just different worded process, just different worded process, just different worded differently. But you have a group of differently. But you have a group of differently. But you have a group of I'll give an analogy is like you have a I'll give an analogy is like you have a I'll give an analogy is like you have a group of executives group of executives group of executives and what's fun about the executive board and what's fun about the executive board and what's fun about the executive board is that they're all asking questions, is that they're all asking questions, is that they're all asking questions, hard questions most of the time, and hard questions most of the time, and hard questions most of the time, and they're not getting emotional about it. they're not getting emotional about it. they're not getting emotional about it. They're not pissing each other off They're not pissing each other off They're not pissing each other off saying, "Oh, this is, you know, you're saying, "Oh, this is, you know, you're saying, "Oh, this is, you know, you're [  ] hurting my feelings by saying [  ] hurting my feelings by saying [  ] hurting my feelings by saying this or you know, I invested a lot of this or you know, I invested a lot of this or you know, I invested a lot of time and you don't care about like what time and you don't care about like what time and you don't care about like what I created, blah blah blah." They don't I created, blah blah blah." They don't I created, blah blah blah." They don't they don't care. They're there for one they don't care. They're there for one they don't care. They're there for one thing, the growth of the business and thing, the growth of the business and thing, the growth of the business and how to grow it as efficient as possible, how to grow it as efficient as possible, how to grow it as efficient as possible, profitable for stakeholders, etc. or profitable for stakeholders, etc. or profitable for stakeholders, etc. or small business, just profitable for small business, just profitable for small business, just profitable for themselves. and you're going through and themselves. and you're going through and themselves. and you're going through and you're asking hard questions and you're you're asking hard questions and you're you're asking hard questions and you're going through objectively to figure out going through objectively to figure out going through objectively to figure out what's the best answer, what's the best what's the best answer, what's the best what's the best answer, what's the best decision, what's the best action plan, decision, what's the best action plan, decision, what's the best action plan, how can I have quote unquote the biggest how can I have quote unquote the biggest how can I have quote unquote the biggest return on my investment. If we looked at return on my investment. If we looked at return on my investment. If we looked at our relationship like that of, you know, our relationship like that of, you know, our relationship like that of, you know, oh, you said that, you said it like oh, you said that, you said it like oh, you said that, you said it like this, or you meant this, but I know you this, or you meant this, but I know you this, or you meant this, but I know you didn't, blah, blah, blah. It's like didn't, blah, blah, blah. It's like didn't, blah, blah, blah. It's like that's all subjectiveness. That's not that's all subjectiveness. That's not that's all subjectiveness. That's not objective. The objective portion of objective. The objective portion of objective. The objective portion of like, okay, you said this, you know, a like, okay, you said this, you know, a like, okay, you said this, you know, a how can we communicate better? You know, how can we communicate better? You know, how can we communicate better? You know, what was the breakdown? Why was there a what was the breakdown? Why was there a what was the breakdown? Why was there a breakdown? Was it you or was it me or breakdown? Was it you or was it me or breakdown? Was it you or was it me or was it both? How how can you learn how was it both? How how can you learn how was it both? How how can you learn how to better speak to me so I'm not to better speak to me so I'm not to better speak to me so I'm not triggered? How can I learn how to not be triggered? How can I learn how to not be triggered? How can I learn how to not be triggered because I'm only triggered triggered because I'm only triggered triggered because I'm only triggered because of I was hurt in the past and because of I was hurt in the past and because of I was hurt in the past and I'm triggered to what? Protect myself. I'm triggered to what? Protect myself. I'm triggered to what? Protect myself. That's what a trigger is. A trigger is That's what a trigger is. A trigger is That's what a trigger is. A trigger is something your unconsciousness coming up something your unconsciousness coming up something your unconsciousness coming up online saying, "Hey, you were hurt in online saying, "Hey, you were hurt in online saying, "Hey, you were hurt in the past. the past. the past. You better protect yourself because You better protect yourself because You better protect yourself because you're going to get hurt again." you're going to get hurt again." you're going to get hurt again." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's what a trigger is. If you That's that's what a trigger is. If you That's that's what a trigger is. If you don't what? Heal the trigger. Balance don't what? Heal the trigger. Balance don't what? Heal the trigger. Balance that past moment out. You're going to that past moment out. You're going to that past moment out. You're going to continually having that pro protective continually having that pro protective continually having that pro protective mechanism come up mechanism come up mechanism come up which is going to be reactive, not which is going to be reactive, not which is going to be reactive, not proactive, subjective and emotional, not proactive, subjective and emotional, not proactive, subjective and emotional, not objective and balanced. And you're never objective and balanced. And you're never objective and balanced. And you're never going to allow yourself to be able to going to allow yourself to be able to going to allow yourself to be able to what? Have the best action plan, be the what? Have the best action plan, be the what? Have the best action plan, be the most productive, have the most return on most productive, have the most return on most productive, have the most return on your investment, grow the relationship, your investment, grow the relationship, your investment, grow the relationship, grow yourself, grow the family. grow yourself, grow the family. grow yourself, grow the family. So like like you said before is there's So like like you said before is there's So like like you said before is there's never one thing. There's always a lot of never one thing. There's always a lot of never one thing. There's always a lot of reasons why somebody does something, but reasons why somebody does something, but reasons why somebody does something, but what's great about that is every moment what's great about that is every moment what's great about that is every moment has the potential for has the potential for has the potential for both parties involved to use it to grow. both parties involved to use it to grow. both parties involved to use it to grow. Yeah. And I I think what you're saying Yeah. And I I think what you're saying Yeah. And I I think what you're saying is really important because a lot of is really important because a lot of is really important because a lot of times when we are in relationships or we times when we are in relationships or we times when we are in relationships or we are an employer of employees like we I are an employer of employees like we I are an employer of employees like we I don't know what it is necessarily about don't know what it is necessarily about don't know what it is necessarily about you know the human nature but we tend to you know the human nature but we tend to you know the human nature but we tend to think that everything is outside of us think that everything is outside of us think that everything is outside of us and that you know we need to help the and that you know we need to help the and that you know we need to help the other person see differently. we need to other person see differently. we need to other person see differently. we need to help them. And really at the end of the help them. And really at the end of the help them. And really at the end of the day, the only thing that we can control day, the only thing that we can control day, the only thing that we can control is ourselves and how we show up, how we is ourselves and how we show up, how we is ourselves and how we show up, how we communicate, how we collect the data and communicate, how we collect the data and communicate, how we collect the data and think about the situation. So it's okay think about the situation. So it's okay think about the situation. So it's okay for you to be, you know, uh, emotional for you to be, you know, uh, emotional for you to be, you know, uh, emotional or triggered in the moment, but it's or triggered in the moment, but it's or triggered in the moment, but it's just the opportunity for you to take the just the opportunity for you to take the just the opportunity for you to take the pause. Sure as [  ] do not have a pause. Sure as [  ] do not have a pause. Sure as [  ] do not have a conversation when you're in that state conversation when you're in that state conversation when you're in that state because it will go nowhere. It's it's because it will go nowhere. It's it's because it will go nowhere. It's it's pretty much a feedback mechanism to pretty much a feedback mechanism to pretty much a feedback mechanism to showcase the parts of you that are out showcase the parts of you that are out showcase the parts of you that are out of balance and then for you to sit with of balance and then for you to sit with of balance and then for you to sit with a series of of questions in order to get a series of of questions in order to get a series of of questions in order to get clarity on what's the root of this? clarity on what's the root of this? clarity on what's the root of this? Where is this coming from? Because this Where is this coming from? Because this Where is this coming from? Because this is at the end of the day when we get is at the end of the day when we get is at the end of the day when we get these triggers like we move into that these triggers like we move into that these triggers like we move into that victimization victimization victimization but we're the first people to judge when but we're the first people to judge when but we're the first people to judge when other people are acting like a victim. other people are acting like a victim. other people are acting like a victim. you know, we hear it in their verbiage you know, we hear it in their verbiage you know, we hear it in their verbiage of this happened to me, they did this to of this happened to me, they did this to of this happened to me, they did this to me, this, they did that. And but we me, this, they did that. And but we me, this, they did that. And but we still will still will still will act that way when we, you know, quote act that way when we, you know, quote act that way when we, you know, quote unquote have bad things happen to us. unquote have bad things happen to us. unquote have bad things happen to us. You You look like you have something to You You look like you have something to You You look like you have something to say. say. say. Well, no. I mean, part of it is just Well, no. I mean, part of it is just Well, no. I mean, part of it is just realizing that realizing that realizing that nobody's better or worse than anybody nobody's better or worse than anybody nobody's better or worse than anybody else. That we we all have traumas. We else. That we we all have traumas. We else. That we we all have traumas. We all have problems. We all have [  ] all have problems. We all have [  ] all have problems. We all have [  ] They look different. and etc. They're They look different. and etc. They're They look different. and etc. They're packaged differently. packaged differently. packaged differently. I want to say something about that I want to say something about that I want to say something about that though because I know that there are though because I know that there are though because I know that there are people in very specific situations where people in very specific situations where people in very specific situations where they're being villainized. they're being villainized. they're being villainized. They're um they're they're the villain They're um they're they're the villain They're um they're they're the villain in someone's story all the time. And you in someone's story all the time. And you in someone's story all the time. And you know, anytime they speak to that family know, anytime they speak to that family know, anytime they speak to that family member or that person, you know, it's member or that person, you know, it's member or that person, you know, it's there's always something to be said there's always something to be said there's always something to be said about, you know, you did this and you about, you know, you did this and you about, you know, you did this and you said that and you act that way and you said that and you act that way and you said that and you act that way and you did this on this holiday. did this on this holiday. did this on this holiday. B and and I want people to understand B and and I want people to understand B and and I want people to understand that that that you're not the villain of their story. you're not the villain of their story. you're not the villain of their story. You just represent the parts of them You just represent the parts of them You just represent the parts of them that are unhealed. that are unhealed. that are unhealed. You're representing their most polarized You're representing their most polarized You're representing their most polarized emotions. So I I want people to emotions. So I I want people to emotions. So I I want people to understand this and I want you to see it understand this and I want you to see it understand this and I want you to see it in yourself, too. If you are in yourself, too. If you are in yourself, too. If you are villainizing someone else in your story, villainizing someone else in your story, villainizing someone else in your story, someone in your family, someone you know someone in your family, someone you know someone in your family, someone you know in your in your friends group, someone in your in your friends group, someone in your in your friends group, someone even in your business, if you're even in your business, if you're even in your business, if you're villainizing that person always [  ] villainizing that person always [  ] villainizing that person always [  ] up, that person always does this, that up, that person always does this, that up, that person always does this, that person always does that, that's a person always does that, that's a person always does that, that's a representation of your own [  ] that you representation of your own [  ] that you representation of your own [  ] that you have not navigated, you have not healed, have not navigated, you have not healed, have not navigated, you have not healed, you have not thought through, you have you have not thought through, you have you have not thought through, you have not worked through. And the same thing not worked through. And the same thing not worked through. And the same thing is happening on the vice versa. So use is happening on the vice versa. So use is happening on the vice versa. So use this as an opportunity this as an opportunity this as an opportunity and stop like you can give just as much and stop like you can give just as much and stop like you can give just as much energy of either villainizing someone or energy of either villainizing someone or energy of either villainizing someone or being the victim being the victim being the victim or you can spend energy actually or you can spend energy actually or you can spend energy actually collecting that data as Dr. Nick said, collecting that data as Dr. Nick said, collecting that data as Dr. Nick said, and understanding that and understanding that and understanding that the only thing you can control is the only thing you can control is the only thing you can control is yourself yourself yourself and understanding the root of why these and understanding the root of why these and understanding the root of why these certain triggers, emotions come up for certain triggers, emotions come up for certain triggers, emotions come up for you. you. you. Yeah, I wasn't going to talk about it, Yeah, I wasn't going to talk about it, Yeah, I wasn't going to talk about it, but but but can I expand on that? can I expand on that? can I expand on that? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. So, speaking of like the the villain So, speaking of like the the villain So, speaking of like the the villain aspect, aspect, aspect, I always break things down um into the I always break things down um into the I always break things down um into the polarization aspect of it. So, there's polarization aspect of it. So, there's polarization aspect of it. So, there's the emotional and the non-emotional. So, the emotional and the non-emotional. So, the emotional and the non-emotional. So, it's like if you think somebody is a it's like if you think somebody is a it's like if you think somebody is a villain, villain, villain, 99% of the time the person connected to 99% of the time the person connected to 99% of the time the person connected to it is emotional. Um that the villain is it is emotional. Um that the villain is it is emotional. Um that the villain is all bad, not good, not a hero, the all bad, not good, not a hero, the all bad, not good, not a hero, the opposite. So the emotional part is the opposite. So the emotional part is the opposite. So the emotional part is the reflectiveness showing that you have reflectiveness showing that you have reflectiveness showing that you have something that's not healed, hence the something that's not healed, hence the something that's not healed, hence the trigger, the past to protect yourself. trigger, the past to protect yourself. trigger, the past to protect yourself. The non-emotional part of that is that The non-emotional part of that is that The non-emotional part of that is that person may just not be person may just not be person may just not be in a hierarchy of serving one's values. in a hierarchy of serving one's values. in a hierarchy of serving one's values. So yeah, that's when people are like, So yeah, that's when people are like, So yeah, that's when people are like, "Oh, well, you know, I don't like "Oh, well, you know, I don't like "Oh, well, you know, I don't like hanging out with this person." That hanging out with this person." That hanging out with this person." That doesn't mean they're a bad person. doesn't mean they're a bad person. doesn't mean they're a bad person. They don't have to be a bad person just They don't have to be a bad person just They don't have to be a bad person just because you don't want to hang out with because you don't want to hang out with because you don't want to hang out with them or be around with them. You want to them or be around with them. You want to them or be around with them. You want to be around people that are serving your be around people that are serving your be around people that are serving your highest values, what's most important to highest values, what's most important to highest values, what's most important to you, you, you, because that's what builds you up. because that's what builds you up. because that's what builds you up. That's what makes you a better person. That's what makes you a better person. That's what makes you a better person. That's that's like that's the alchemy of That's that's like that's the alchemy of That's that's like that's the alchemy of turning something from lead into gold, turning something from lead into gold, turning something from lead into gold, you know? It's like you want to you you know? It's like you want to you you know? It's like you want to you don't want to put energy on on the lead, don't want to put energy on on the lead, don't want to put energy on on the lead, the problem. You want to put energy on the problem. You want to put energy on the problem. You want to put energy on the destination, the gold, what's most the destination, the gold, what's most the destination, the gold, what's most important to you, what you value, your important to you, what you value, your important to you, what you value, your worth. worth. worth. Can I plug in an example because I I Can I plug in an example because I I Can I plug in an example because I I think it's just short, sweet, and think it's just short, sweet, and think it's just short, sweet, and relevant. Um, relevant. Um, relevant. Um, like a a great example when it comes to like a a great example when it comes to like a a great example when it comes to what you were just saying is like I know what you were just saying is like I know what you were just saying is like I know for us as a as a couple because our for us as a as a couple because our for us as a as a couple because our values are actually somewhat similar is values are actually somewhat similar is values are actually somewhat similar is we enjoy being in a group like a a a we enjoy being in a group like a a a we enjoy being in a group like a a a social circle like at a a house with you social circle like at a a house with you social circle like at a a house with you know friends, acquaintances and we know friends, acquaintances and we know friends, acquaintances and we actually invite challenging actually invite challenging actually invite challenging conversations conversations conversations and you They could be intense and you They could be intense and you They could be intense conversations, conversations, conversations, but if the root of it is for growth, but but if the root of it is for growth, but but if the root of it is for growth, but if people are having challenging intense if people are having challenging intense if people are having challenging intense conversations, but it's like for the conversations, but it's like for the conversations, but it's like for the sake of just like talking poorly on sake of just like talking poorly on sake of just like talking poorly on behalf of of something, someone, behalf of of something, someone, behalf of of something, someone, politics, politics, politics, etc. I have no interest in that. I'm etc. I have no interest in that. I'm etc. I have no interest in that. I'm fine with being around people with fine with being around people with fine with being around people with differing values and differing opinions differing values and differing opinions differing values and differing opinions as long as the reason why we're we're as long as the reason why we're we're as long as the reason why we're we're inviting the conversation is for, you inviting the conversation is for, you inviting the conversation is for, you know, for us to learn and grow and be know, for us to learn and grow and be know, for us to learn and grow and be curious. curious. curious. But if people are having these like But if people are having these like But if people are having these like intense conversations because they want intense conversations because they want intense conversations because they want to push their political views down my to push their political views down my to push their political views down my throat, I don't care what your political throat, I don't care what your political throat, I don't care what your political views are. That's not the point. The views are. That's not the point. The views are. That's not the point. The point is is that for some reason you point is is that for some reason you point is is that for some reason you think that I should subscribe because think that I should subscribe because think that I should subscribe because your belief system and your values are your belief system and your values are your belief system and your values are are more superior to mine. are more superior to mine. are more superior to mine. And so this is kind of what we're we're And so this is kind of what we're we're And so this is kind of what we're we're talking about is like I could walk out talking about is like I could walk out talking about is like I could walk out of a party and be like that guy's a of a party and be like that guy's a of a party and be like that guy's a [  ] [  ] And it's not that he's [  ] [  ] And it's not that he's [  ] [  ] And it's not that he's an [  ] He's just it's just not in an [  ] He's just it's just not in an [  ] He's just it's just not in alignment with my values and what I want alignment with my values and what I want alignment with my values and what I want to be around. to be around. to be around. I'm sure multiple people have thought I'm sure multiple people have thought I'm sure multiple people have thought that I'm an [  ] [laughter] So, back to the villain really quick as So, back to the villain really quick as So, back to the villain really quick as we're going to probably wrap this up we're going to probably wrap this up we're going to probably wrap this up sooner than later is that when you think sooner than later is that when you think sooner than later is that when you think about villains and it kind of goes back about villains and it kind of goes back about villains and it kind of goes back to intentionally hurting somebody. You to intentionally hurting somebody. You to intentionally hurting somebody. You know what a villain truly is, quote know what a villain truly is, quote know what a villain truly is, quote unquote a true villain. Not that anybody unquote a true villain. Not that anybody unquote a true villain. Not that anybody is just a villain because we play all is just a villain because we play all is just a villain because we play all traits and we have both sides of every traits and we have both sides of every traits and we have both sides of every trait. is that the part of the trait. is that the part of the trait. is that the part of the expression of the villain is the expression of the villain is the expression of the villain is the expression of someone that's been hurt. expression of someone that's been hurt. expression of someone that's been hurt. And And And what's what's great about life, not what's what's great about life, not what's what's great about life, not always fun, is that we want other people always fun, is that we want other people always fun, is that we want other people to feel how we feel. to feel how we feel. to feel how we feel. If we feel great, guess what? We want If we feel great, guess what? We want If we feel great, guess what? We want other people to feel great. other people to feel great. other people to feel great. If we feel shitty, guess what? We want If we feel shitty, guess what? We want If we feel shitty, guess what? We want other people to feel shitty. other people to feel shitty. other people to feel shitty. It's it's a form of empathy or or what It's it's a form of empathy or or what It's it's a form of empathy or or what people desire is they want to be they people desire is they want to be they people desire is they want to be they want people to empathize with them. They want people to empathize with them. They want people to empathize with them. They want people to share want people to share want people to share the law of re the law of re the law of re common struggles laws of reence. common struggles laws of reence. common struggles laws of reence. It's just the law of resonance. It's just the law of resonance. It's just the law of resonance. It's one of the universal laws It's one of the universal laws It's one of the universal laws principles. principles. principles. But you know, I'll be honest, But you know, I'll be honest, But you know, I'll be honest, we attract we attract what we feel. we attract we attract what we feel. we attract we attract what we feel. Yeah. But I will say that it's there's a Yeah. But I will say that it's there's a Yeah. But I will say that it's there's a level of level of level of I don't want to say difficulty. It's I don't want to say difficulty. It's I don't want to say difficulty. It's just when you are always trying to be a just when you are always trying to be a just when you are always trying to be a better version of yourself. better version of yourself. better version of yourself. Um it feel especially in the beginning Um it feel especially in the beginning Um it feel especially in the beginning phases it can feel a bit isolating and phases it can feel a bit isolating and phases it can feel a bit isolating and and lonely. Um, and I don't I'd be and lonely. Um, and I don't I'd be and lonely. Um, and I don't I'd be curious your perspective on this, but I curious your perspective on this, but I curious your perspective on this, but I I actually saw a post the other day and I actually saw a post the other day and I actually saw a post the other day and I was like, hm, that's really I was like, hm, that's really I was like, hm, that's really interesting. And it was saying, "Isn't interesting. And it was saying, "Isn't interesting. And it was saying, "Isn't it funny how you had such a big friends it funny how you had such a big friends it funny how you had such a big friends group when you were the shittiest group when you were the shittiest group when you were the shittiest version of yourself and now as your one version of yourself and now as your one version of yourself and now as your one of the better or best versions of of the better or best versions of of the better or best versions of yourself, your friends group is so much yourself, your friends group is so much yourself, your friends group is so much smaller?" And I was like, gosh, that is smaller?" And I was like, gosh, that is smaller?" And I was like, gosh, that is so [  ] accurate. [laughter] What's the um What's the um What's the um Oh, I'm blanking out. Gay Gay Hendrix, Oh, I'm blanking out. Gay Gay Hendrix, Oh, I'm blanking out. Gay Gay Hendrix, the leadership guy. the leadership guy. the leadership guy. Yep. Yep. Yep. Um haven't listened to his podcast. Um haven't listened to his podcast. Um haven't listened to his podcast. Yeah. Max John Maxwell. Yeah. Max John Maxwell. Yeah. Max John Maxwell. John Maxwell. Yeah. John Maxwell. Yeah. John Maxwell. Yeah. Um haven't listened to his podcast in Um haven't listened to his podcast in Um haven't listened to his podcast in many years, but he had a podcast in. It many years, but he had a podcast in. It many years, but he had a podcast in. It was titled Lonely at the Top was titled Lonely at the Top was titled Lonely at the Top and you know, he talked about, you know, and you know, he talked about, you know, and you know, he talked about, you know, please join me. It's it's it's lonely up please join me. It's it's it's lonely up please join me. It's it's it's lonely up here. here. here. Um Um Um and and and and it is. And it it is and it isn't. and it is. And it it is and it isn't. and it is. And it it is and it isn't. Um, initially the perception is that Um, initially the perception is that Um, initially the perception is that it's lonely because you're going from it's lonely because you're going from it's lonely because you're going from talking about universal principles talking about universal principles talking about universal principles you're going from the law of one to the you're going from the law of one to the you're going from the law of one to the many. Well, you're going from the many many. Well, you're going from the many many. Well, you're going from the many back to the one. back to the one. back to the one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're you're going from So you're you're going from So you're you're going from going from quantity to quality. going from quantity to quality. going from quantity to quality. Yep. And the the quantity is all of the Yep. And the the quantity is all of the Yep. And the the quantity is all of the emotions. emotions. emotions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the one is the unity, And the one is the unity, And the one is the unity, not the diverse, the breakdown, the not the diverse, the breakdown, the not the diverse, the breakdown, the duality of those emotions, but back into duality of those emotions, but back into duality of those emotions, but back into gratitude, unconditional love, joy, you gratitude, unconditional love, joy, you gratitude, unconditional love, joy, you know, back into being whole instead of know, back into being whole instead of know, back into being whole instead of being broken. And there's not many being broken. And there's not many being broken. And there's not many people that are more whole. There's more people that are more whole. There's more people that are more whole. There's more people that are more broken. people that are more broken. people that are more broken. And this is why we can look at people And this is why we can look at people And this is why we can look at people and be like, "Oh, you're a villain." The and be like, "Oh, you're a villain." The and be like, "Oh, you're a villain." The villain is just another description for villain is just another description for villain is just another description for somebody that's broken, somebody that's somebody that's broken, somebody that's somebody that's broken, somebody that's hurt, and they feel hurt. So, they hurt, and they feel hurt. So, they hurt, and they feel hurt. So, they attract people that are also hurt around attract people that are also hurt around attract people that are also hurt around them, events that are hurt around them them, events that are hurt around them them, events that are hurt around them just as a feedback mechanism to create just as a feedback mechanism to create just as a feedback mechanism to create more awareness of the broken part so more awareness of the broken part so more awareness of the broken part so that we can bring it back into a state that we can bring it back into a state that we can bring it back into a state of balance to heal it. When we do, of balance to heal it. When we do, of balance to heal it. When we do, that's when we experience gratitude, that's when we experience gratitude, that's when we experience gratitude, love, and joy. And that's when we're love, and joy. And that's when we're love, and joy. And that's when we're whole again. That's when quoteunquote whole again. That's when quoteunquote whole again. That's when quoteunquote true healing occurs. true healing occurs. true healing occurs. So, So, So, and also I think that you know some and also I think that you know some and also I think that you know some there's very specific [clears throat] there's very specific [clears throat] there's very specific [clears throat] and easy to implement tools that can and easy to implement tools that can and easy to implement tools that can help you through this this process to help you through this this process to help you through this this process to get more to you know this joy, love and get more to you know this joy, love and get more to you know this joy, love and gratitude that that Dr. Nick is talking gratitude that that Dr. Nick is talking gratitude that that Dr. Nick is talking about. And I I want to give this to you about. And I I want to give this to you about. And I I want to give this to you um and keep it very simple. Obviously as um and keep it very simple. Obviously as um and keep it very simple. Obviously as you master one layer you can expand upon you master one layer you can expand upon you master one layer you can expand upon this but for the simplicity of of this this but for the simplicity of of this this but for the simplicity of of this starting point is some of the solutions starting point is some of the solutions starting point is some of the solutions really just lie in really just lie in really just lie in thinking taking some time to think and thinking taking some time to think and thinking taking some time to think and ask yourself one major question and Dr. ask yourself one major question and Dr. ask yourself one major question and Dr. Nick might have his own question, but Nick might have his own question, but Nick might have his own question, but think the reason why I'm saying this is think the reason why I'm saying this is think the reason why I'm saying this is because if you are emotional because if you are emotional because if you are emotional because of a person, a situation, because of a person, a situation, because of a person, a situation, that is not the time to have a that is not the time to have a that is not the time to have a conversation, it's not the time to make conversation, it's not the time to make conversation, it's not the time to make decisions. It's the it it's the feedback decisions. It's the it it's the feedback decisions. It's the it it's the feedback mechanism to say you need to take a mechanism to say you need to take a mechanism to say you need to take a [  ] pause and you need to go sit [  ] pause and you need to go sit [  ] pause and you need to go sit with yourself and give yourself the time with yourself and give yourself the time with yourself and give yourself the time and space to think, but you have to ask and space to think, but you have to ask and space to think, but you have to ask very constructive questions that are very constructive questions that are very constructive questions that are going to give you that objective data going to give you that objective data going to give you that objective data and give you a place or an opportunity and give you a place or an opportunity and give you a place or an opportunity to make a decision out of inspiration to make a decision out of inspiration to make a decision out of inspiration and not out of a chaotic and not out of a chaotic and not out of a chaotic I'm emotionally triggered, desperate, I'm emotionally triggered, desperate, I'm emotionally triggered, desperate, desperate state. Okay? Because people desperate state. Okay? Because people desperate state. Okay? Because people make way too many [  ] decisions from make way too many [  ] decisions from make way too many [  ] decisions from that place. that place. that place. So, So, So, one of the questions I ask my clients one of the questions I ask my clients one of the questions I ask my clients very often when they're telling me the very often when they're telling me the very often when they're telling me the the story of how this person did this to the story of how this person did this to the story of how this person did this to them or this person's an [  ] etc., them or this person's an [  ] etc., them or this person's an [  ] etc., and they they usually are very confused and they they usually are very confused and they they usually are very confused with the question is what if you took with the question is what if you took with the question is what if you took radical responsibility for this radical responsibility for this radical responsibility for this situation like think about it if someone situation like think about it if someone situation like think about it if someone just told me I just found out I was just told me I just found out I was just told me I just found out I was cheated on cheated on cheated on and someone tells you the question what and someone tells you the question what and someone tells you the question what if you took radical responsibility for if you took radical responsibility for if you took radical responsibility for this automatically most people are like this automatically most people are like this automatically most people are like how [  ] dare you he did this to me how [  ] dare you he did this to me how [  ] dare you he did this to me she did this to me she did this to me she did this to me with A guy or a girl? with A guy or a girl? with A guy or a girl? Can [laughter] I join? Can [laughter] I join? Can [laughter] I join? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. There's there's Dr. Nick. Um There's there's Dr. Nick. Um There's there's Dr. Nick. Um I had to make you smile. We can't get I had to make you smile. We can't get I had to make you smile. We can't get too serious all the time. too serious all the time. too serious all the time. But this is a really really [  ] But this is a really really [  ] But this is a really really [  ] important question to ask because if you important question to ask because if you important question to ask because if you had to had to had to just interrupt, I asked the same just interrupt, I asked the same just interrupt, I asked the same question just probably more simple question just probably more simple question just probably more simple because I'm a man. because I'm a man. because I'm a man. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] Oh god. Let let me hear it. Oh god. Let let me hear it. Oh god. Let let me hear it. Radical responsibility. I'm like Radical responsibility. I'm like Radical responsibility. I'm like ownership. Where have you done the same ownership. Where have you done the same ownership. Where have you done the same or similar? or similar? or similar? You know, You know, You know, you've done the same or similar. you've done the same or similar. you've done the same or similar. We only judge someone who we think what We only judge someone who we think what We only judge someone who we think what is worse than us is worse than us is worse than us or better than us. Soon as we can see or better than us. Soon as we can see or better than us. Soon as we can see those questions are are key because I those questions are are key because I those questions are are key because I I'm the way I'm thinking about is I'm the way I'm thinking about is I'm the way I'm thinking about is different. different. different. Soon as we can see that we're the same, Soon as we can see that we're the same, Soon as we can see that we're the same, there's no judgment. there's no judgment. there's no judgment. Yes. And it's not always Yes. And it's not always Yes. And it's not always uh black and white. This is why you have uh black and white. This is why you have uh black and white. This is why you have to spend the time really really thinking to spend the time really really thinking to spend the time really really thinking and sometimes it could take weeks, and sometimes it could take weeks, and sometimes it could take weeks, months, it could take a while. Um, months, it could take a while. Um, months, it could take a while. Um, based on what you just said, I I want to based on what you just said, I I want to based on what you just said, I I want to throw in a quick example. I It took me throw in a quick example. I It took me throw in a quick example. I It took me years in the business, we had a value years in the business, we had a value years in the business, we had a value that was how you do anything is how you that was how you do anything is how you that was how you do anything is how you do everything. I couldn't wrap my head do everything. I couldn't wrap my head do everything. I couldn't wrap my head around how employees would cut corners around how employees would cut corners around how employees would cut corners that would compromise a patient's uh that would compromise a patient's uh that would compromise a patient's uh experience or a patient's outcomes. I experience or a patient's outcomes. I experience or a patient's outcomes. I couldn't [  ] wrap my head around it. couldn't [  ] wrap my head around it. couldn't [  ] wrap my head around it. It was like grounds for termination in It was like grounds for termination in It was like grounds for termination in our business. I was like you like that's our business. I was like you like that's our business. I was like you like that's not how we operate here. We give a not how we operate here. We give a not how we operate here. We give a hundred, we give a thousand like we do hundred, we give a thousand like we do hundred, we give a thousand like we do not cut corners and then I I was doing not cut corners and then I I was doing not cut corners and then I I was doing something actually more recently and I something actually more recently and I something actually more recently and I was like oh my god remember how Dr. Nick was like oh my god remember how Dr. Nick was like oh my god remember how Dr. Nick always says that like you know the the always says that like you know the the always says that like you know the the thing that you judge the most you own. thing that you judge the most you own. thing that you judge the most you own. And I was doing something in the kitchen And I was doing something in the kitchen And I was doing something in the kitchen and I [  ] like threw something and I [  ] like threw something and I [  ] like threw something somewhere. I threw a bunch of [  ] in somewhere. I threw a bunch of [  ] in somewhere. I threw a bunch of [  ] in the dishwasher like a like a [  ] the dishwasher like a like a [  ] the dishwasher like a like a [  ] raccoon on drugs and I was like, "Oh." raccoon on drugs and I was like, "Oh." raccoon on drugs and I was like, "Oh." So, pretty much my whole life, the whole So, pretty much my whole life, the whole So, pretty much my whole life, the whole idea how you do anything is how you do idea how you do anything is how you do idea how you do anything is how you do everything. So, I gave a thousand when everything. So, I gave a thousand when everything. So, I gave a thousand when it came to business, but when it came to it came to business, but when it came to it came to business, but when it came to things in in the home and domestic and I things in in the home and domestic and I things in in the home and domestic and I was like, I'm not going to [  ] iron. was like, I'm not going to [  ] iron. was like, I'm not going to [  ] iron. I'm I don't care what detergent I use. I'm I don't care what detergent I use. I'm I don't care what detergent I use. I'm not I don't care if my kitchen's I'm not I don't care if my kitchen's I'm not I don't care if my kitchen's clean. Like, so it's it's not always clean. Like, so it's it's not always clean. Like, so it's it's not always black and white. And it literally took black and white. And it literally took black and white. And it literally took me years to finally own the [  ] me years to finally own the [  ] me years to finally own the [  ] trait that I judged so much. trait that I judged so much. trait that I judged so much. But But But radical responsibility for this, what I radical responsibility for this, what I radical responsibility for this, what I mean is if you can only control yourself mean is if you can only control yourself mean is if you can only control yourself and if you think about how did I and if you think about how did I and if you think about how did I contribute to this circumstance, this contribute to this circumstance, this contribute to this circumstance, this conversation, this outcome, conversation, this outcome, conversation, this outcome, then that's the only thing that you can then that's the only thing that you can then that's the only thing that you can work on to change. So if you were work on to change. So if you were work on to change. So if you were distant, if you were mean, if you were distant, if you were mean, if you were distant, if you were mean, if you were whatever it was, if you were not uh whatever it was, if you were not uh whatever it was, if you were not uh aligned in values, if you were, you aligned in values, if you were, you aligned in values, if you were, you know, playing a certain role in the know, playing a certain role in the know, playing a certain role in the situation, what can you do in order to situation, what can you do in order to situation, what can you do in order to work on yourself, be more true to your work on yourself, be more true to your work on yourself, be more true to your values and not relive the circumstance values and not relive the circumstance values and not relive the circumstance of the future? That's one of the best of the future? That's one of the best of the future? That's one of the best things that you can do. I think a lot of things that you can do. I think a lot of things that you can do. I think a lot of times when we have these conversations, times when we have these conversations, times when we have these conversations, people will say like, "They don't care. people will say like, "They don't care. people will say like, "They don't care. They don't they never call. They never They don't they never call. They never They don't they never call. They never do this." And like the question is is do this." And like the question is is do this." And like the question is is like, "Do you?" like, "Do you?" like, "Do you?" Oh, well, no, but they should. Oh, well, no, but they should. Oh, well, no, but they should. And it it's so you don't do it, but you And it it's so you don't do it, but you And it it's so you don't do it, but you expect them to do it. That doesn't make expect them to do it. That doesn't make expect them to do it. That doesn't make any sense. So, if you're looking for any sense. So, if you're looking for any sense. So, if you're looking for something in a relationship, out of an something in a relationship, out of an something in a relationship, out of an employee, etc., employee, etc., employee, etc., Then you also need to Then you also need to Then you also need to exemplify that like you you know you exemplify that like you you know you exemplify that like you you know you don't you don't stop waiting for other don't you don't stop waiting for other don't you don't stop waiting for other people to do [  ] or and stop waiting people to do [  ] or and stop waiting people to do [  ] or and stop waiting for people to read your [  ] mind for people to read your [  ] mind for people to read your [  ] mind like just stop either say let's have a like just stop either say let's have a like just stop either say let's have a conversation about this get on the same conversation about this get on the same conversation about this get on the same page get aligned or you do start doing the very thing as or you do start doing the very thing as or you do start doing the very thing as like um how what's the saying the L of like um how what's the saying the L of like um how what's the saying the L of branch branch branch But what But what But what I've always [  ] these eggs up. I've always [  ] these eggs up. I've always [  ] these eggs up. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] Lend like lend the olive. I don't know. Lend like lend the olive. I don't know. Lend like lend the olive. I don't know. Whatever. I ruined that. [laughter] I think it's time to wrap this one up. I think it's time to wrap this one up. I think it's time to wrap this one up. Okay, we're going to wrap this up. Okay, we're going to wrap this up. Okay, we're going to wrap this up. [laughter] The point is if you [laughter] The point is if you [laughter] The point is if you then the olive branch. then the olive branch. then the olive branch. What is that [  ] saying? Anyway, What is that [  ] saying? Anyway, What is that [  ] saying? Anyway, [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] so the moral of the story is is take so the moral of the story is is take so the moral of the story is is take some time, think it through, ask some time, think it through, ask some time, think it through, ask yourself, what if I took responsibility yourself, what if I took responsibility yourself, what if I took responsibility for this [  ] this outcome? for this [  ] this outcome? for this [  ] this outcome? What if I where do I also own this very What if I where do I also own this very What if I where do I also own this very thing that I'm judging? thing that I'm judging? thing that I'm judging? And like you said before is if this is And like you said before is if this is And like you said before is if this is relational, relational, relational, if it's a rel again employee to if it's a rel again employee to if it's a rel again employee to employer, if this is husband, wife, employer, if this is husband, wife, employer, if this is husband, wife, wife, wife wife, husband, husband, if wife, wife wife, husband, husband, if wife, wife wife, husband, husband, if this is kids, parenting, consistency, communication consistency, communication consistency, communication is key. Aka, it's people families always is key. Aka, it's people families always is key. Aka, it's people families always think it's crazy when we invite them to think it's crazy when we invite them to think it's crazy when we invite them to this. you need to have a meeting. Like, this. you need to have a meeting. Like, this. you need to have a meeting. Like, you know, just [  ] wing it. Like, if you know, just [  ] wing it. Like, if you know, just [ __ ] wing it. Like, if you want the exact framework, we will you want the exact framework, we will you want the exact framework, we will give it to you. There'll be a link in give it to you. There'll be a link in give it to you. There'll be a link in the show notes of exactly how to meet the show notes of exactly how to meet the show notes of exactly how to meet with your partner, your life partner. with your partner, your life partner. with your partner, your life partner. And then it gives you an idea of how to And then it gives you an idea of how to And then it gives you an idea of how to translate that down to the kids. Because translate that down to the kids. Because translate that down to the kids. Because if you don't do this, you just are if you don't do this, you just are if you don't do this, you just are playing the game of they should read, we playing the game of they should read, we playing the game of they should read, we should read each other's minds. Oh, I'm should read each other's minds. Oh, I'm should read each other's minds. Oh, I'm frustrated. Oh, it's chaos. And guess frustrated. Oh, it's chaos. And guess frustrated. Oh, it's chaos. And guess what? You're the ones creating it. what? You're the ones creating it. what? You're the ones creating it. Yep. It's uh something I never want to Yep. It's uh something I never want to Yep. It's uh something I never want to do is try to read your mind. It's scary. do is try to read your mind. It's scary. do is try to read your mind. It's scary. Oh, yeah. It's terrifying. Don't do Oh, yeah. It's terrifying. Don't do Oh, yeah. It's terrifying. Don't do that. that. that. All right. All right. All right. All right. See you next time. All right. See you next time. All right. See you next time. Ciao.