Demartini Series: From Grief To Growth
Episode 131
In today’s episode of Integrative Wellness Radio, Dr. Nick is joined by former IWG Client Services Director, Valerie LaBarbera with a new addition to the Demartini Series; The path from suffering & Grief to healing and Growth. Being a Human Behavior specialist Dr. Nick uncovers the challenges that are packed with grief and how it affects not only our health but also our relationships. He briefs us on how to develop a growth mindset using the Demartini method and move out of the fixed & toxic mindset. Valerie shares with us how stepping out of negative emotions make us more observant and aware of those around us. Listen to the full episode to learn more! Interested in working with IWG? Book a complimentary consult call to learn more using this link: https://bit.ly/IWRcall2021 Noteworthy Time Stamps: 1:30 Unbalance emotions limit our potential 4:00 Society hasn’t taught us how to grow 5:09 The Demartini Method 11:33 For every action, there’s an equal & opposite reaction 15:38 Supporting the challenges of those around you 16:15 We can only control three things in our lives 20:44 Beliefs are drivers of what creates our emotions 24:06 Why do we need to learn ourselves first? 25:37 Debunking the myths around grief 35:17 Valerie briefs us on the Top three takeaways 38:06 Make a list of everything you perceive missing 45:57 IWG’s way to learn and grow 48:27 Dr. Nick answers to What to do when you’re in the thick of it with grief?
Topics: challenges, grief, life, unknown, growth, learn, demartini, nick
Key takeaways from this episode
- If we don't create those challenges and those pain points in our own life, it's somebody else is going to empower that portion of our life, so somebody else is going to pretty much be in charge of causing us our pain and our suffering.
- Dive into Integrative Wellness Radio with Dr. **Unknown:** Nick and Dr.
- Nick Carothers. **Unknown:** I run Integrative Wellness Group with my lovely wife, Dr.
- Both grief, uh, foundationally is one of the major things that got me, uh, into understanding human behavior and especially the, the mind and the emotions. **Unknown:** Uh, I personally grew up with a decent amount of loss, and I didn't know how to process it.
- Every single day we're going to experience challenges, and when we look at that, challenges can e- either make us contract, um, we can be a victim to those challenges or we can use it and to serve us.
Pull quotes
Imagine if medicine actually looked at you as a whole opposed to looking at you as a bunch of separate systems.
Nicole to learn more about the top trends in integrative medicine, to learn about what the limitations are with testing, and what you can do to start your health journey.
Sometimes I tend to lose myself when I'm out here on the- Thank you all for joining us this evening. **Unknown:** I am Valerie.
Transcript
**Unknown:** I've been up all night, no sleep. Imagine if medicine actually looked at you as a whole opposed to looking at you as a bunch of separate systems. I've been up all night, no sleep. Dive into Integrative Wellness Radio with Dr.
**Unknown:** Nick and Dr. Nicole to learn more about the top trends in integrative medicine, to learn about what the limitations are with testing, and what you can do to start your health journey. Feel like I'm always dreaming. Sometimes I tend to lose myself when I'm out here on the- Thank you all for joining us this evening.
**Unknown:** I am Valerie. I work at IWG on the client services side. I am Dr. Nick Carothers.
**Unknown:** I run Integrative Wellness Group with my lovely wife, Dr. Nicole Rivera. So from grief to growth, that's kind of from 2020 to 2021. Both grief, uh, foundationally is one of the major things that got me, uh, into understanding human behavior and especially the, the mind and the emotions.
**Unknown:** Uh, I personally grew up with a decent amount of loss, and I didn't know how to process it. And when we don't process things and we just hold onto that, that creates stress. I mean, most people can know if we go through a stressful situation, whether that's, you know, a physical, actual real situation or just a make believe one that we think about and we hold onto that, that can even upset our stomach and create loose stools, not to be disgusting, uh- Happens ... get right in there.
**Unknown:** But we know that really unbalanced emotions is not healthy for any aspect of life, but it also, it limits our potential and our growth and when it affects, you know, not only our health, but it affects our relationships really at work, at, at home with our friends, um, it's really one of the fun- foundational and most important, I think in my mind, aspects to living a vibrant and healthy life. Challenges. Every single day we're going to experience challenges, and when we look at that, challenges can e- either make us contract, um, we can be a victim to those challenges or we can use it and to serve us. So we really have, um, that opportunity in life to, A, try to make our own challenges because we're going to in life experience challenges, we're going to experience pain, um, we're going to experience loss, but really when we start to almost be like a magician in our life to create the life that we want to live, we also have to think about creating the, quote-unquote, the negatives, creating the challenges, creating the pain, creating the suffering, and that might sound really, really weird, but when we are able to do that, we're removing the other possibilities of suffering, of pain, uh, of those forms of challenge to come into our life.
**Unknown:** And when we create it, we know that's going to be pretty much linked and dedicated to serving what's most important to us. If we don't create those challenges and those pain points in our own life, it's somebody else is going to empower that portion of our life, so somebody else is going to pretty much be in charge of causing us our pain and our suffering. We're going to do some review, uh, on grief, but I also wanna focus from taking us from a point of grief, a point of loss in our voids, and really transitioning that into 2021, um, which I, I think we're gonna have so much opportunity and potential. Uh, anytime when you look at just how energy flows, um, it's never a straight line.
**Unknown:** So we're always growth comes up, it goes down, makes a circle, and keeps going, and then we repeat that pattern. And that's really, uh, the cyclical aspect of life, but also, uh, it shows us how we grow. It's, not to get too deep into science, but even if you look at, uh, DNA, it's a double helix that really has that same spiral. Um, so if you put that on its side, you're gonna see ups and downs, um, but it's really just that spiral of life that- Yeah ...
**Unknown:** allows us to grow if we so choose. Unfortunately, society has never really taught us how to grow. Uh, so most of us today, unless we've, uh, had some amazing mentors or experienced the voids to search and learn ourselves, um, we don't really have what's called a growth mindset. We have a fixed mindset.
**Unknown:** And when we have a fixed mindset in school, that's like a teacher saying that, "You're just bad at math." And if we have a fixed mindset, we're gonna believe that I'm just never gonna be good at math, where it's actually in reality, maybe I did really shitty on a test, but that doesn't mean I'm bad at math. That means I did poor on a test. So a growth mindset is going to look at that and say, "Meh, I did bad on a test. What were the causes for the effects of that bad test?
**Unknown:** You know, was I anxious? Did I know the stuff but I'm just a, I got in my head and I did a bad test? Or did I not study? Did I not prepare?
**Unknown:** Did I not really take responsibility and go through the, quote-unquote, the pain to really study, but then have the pleasure of really getting a good grade?" But that's just an effect of really being understanding the mathematics. So science or society teaches us to pretty much the all or nothing, the, the right and the wrong, um, the polarities of duality and not so much of the gray that really allows us to grow and really shows us the truth. One of my favorite methods for human behavior is called the Demartini Method. And the reason I like this is because, uh, unlike society, uh, that doesn't teach us growth, uh, the Demartini Method itself is pretty much a combination of very intelligent questions that are pretty much constructed in a scientific way.
**Unknown:** So I'll get deeper into the science as we go, but the, the big thing about the Demartini Method is just understanding that there's a difference between subjective approach and objective approach. And really when you look at subjective, we could say it's emotional and objective is data. So the subjective approach is the traditional talk therapist. Um, the talk therapist we're gonna go through, we're gonna run your story, and if the therapist isn't really, really good at bringing that story into balance, we leave still polarized.
**Unknown:** Okay. And the more unfortunate thing is a lot of times these therapists are either agreeing or disagreeing with our story, hence back to that right and wrong polarityThe all or nothing approach. Mm-hmm. And this is such a huge disservice because really when you look at the true truth, it's in the mean.
**Unknown:** So we have, you know, a positive, we have a negative, but right in the middle there, hence the average, the mean, uh, when we look at mathematics, that's really giving us the full meaning, the full truth. Uh, it's in that gray that we've never really been taught to see. So the Demartini method is an objective, a scientific approach that really helps us go through the data to see both sides of the story, both the positive charge and the negative charge, the good and the bad, and then look really and help try to support our life into the middle so that we can really serve ourselves. So we can understand that if something bad happens, I can use that to serve myself.
**Unknown:** It still sucks and hurts, but I can use it to serve myself. If something good happens, amazing. That's awesome. But I can still use that to serve myself as well.
**Unknown:** So it's really trying to master the mind, have a growth mindset through an objective approach that we can grow through anything. I talked about the subjective approach a little bit, but I wanted to go through a little more because one thing that we don't understand, and this goes just to our, uh, self-talk. So sometimes, you know, we beat ourselves down, we have negative self-talk, uh, or we're getting advice from friends or we're seeing a therapist. And if somebody is creating an emotion and recreating the story, uh, going through, it's pretty much think of like the first time you rode a bike.
**Unknown:** Probably fell first time, second time, third time. But eventually, we could start riding that bike, eventually with no hands. Um, now it's crazy. I see kids riding their bike while texting, which scares the crap out of me.
**Unknown:** But really that shows that neurologically their brain and their body has that muscle memory. It's called neuroplasticity. So anytime that we do something, whether it's a physical movement or even a thought process, it's firing the same neural pathways over and over and over again. So if we bring up a trauma and we go through that trauma every single time, whether with friends or with a therapist, and we're not neutralizing that, then guess what?
**Unknown:** We're strengthening that neuroplasticity. We're making that trauma, trauma bigger and stronger. And this is why I'm so against, uh, most subjective approaches because most therapists aren't good enough to talk somebody through the process to remove the charge so that they understand and they're actually grateful for what happened, that they're not seeing it as something just has more benefits than drawbacks and more drawbacks than benefits. Which really what leads us into the objective approach is that it's data.
**Unknown:** So when you look at data and you look at energy, everything has a charge, and everything actually is balanced in charge for there be creation to occur. So you could think of like a magnet. We have a positive charge, and we have a negative charge. What's wild about magnets is if you cut a magnet in half, there's...
**Unknown:** it doesn't turn into what's a magnet, like a typical bar magnet. It's called a dipole, hence it has two, uh, di means two. So when you cut it in half, it doesn't turn into a monopole where one, uh, side's gonna be positive and the other side's going to be negative. Both of those aspects are gonna be positive and then negative.
**Unknown:** And you can keep doing that to infinity, and it will constantly, uh, change, so there's that both equal and opposite reactions on both ends of the magnet. So when we understand that there's always a positive charge to everything and there's always a negative charge to everything, when we look at emotions, we call things that serve us that positive charge. They're good. There's benefits to it.
**Unknown:** But then we look at the things on the negative charge, and we connect that with things that are bad, things that are drawbacks, things that are even possibly evil. So the objective approach is to see that actually in reality, both sides are always occurring, and they're actually always occurring simultaneously. It's just that our perception and our awareness can't really see that much because we've never been taught how to see that way. You know, one way to think about it is, you know, Christopher Columbus sailed across, found us, but before that, we never knew that there was an America.
**Unknown:** So it's kind of like teaching us how to see more. But once we, once he did that, there was so many boats that just went through and went through and went through because we have that awareness now. So once we can actually increase our awareness, our whole world shifts. And when our whole world shifts, it's, that's our governing aspect.
**Unknown:** And we'll get deeper into that science, but it's like how Einstein talked about how it's the field dictates the particle. So we're going to get deeper on this objective approach, and we're gonna learn some, not go too deep, uh, but learn some physics and some fundamental, uh, laws that govern energy. So one of those is that energy is not created or destroyed. And this is huge.
**Unknown:** Uh, it's a big part of the Demartini process, but it's a major aspect in collapsing grief. So the, the big thing with that is that if energy is not created or destroyed, then how can, how can things possibly die? And when we look at that, it's the... actually, there's a removal process of one form, but the energy of that creation never is destroyed or it's never created more.
**Unknown:** So the energy of that form is just transferred. And when we think about that, that transfer is, we're gonna get pretty soon to another law, but it's called one to the many. So it's transferring from one form to many other forms. But really one of my, my overall favorite laws is that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
**Unknown:** Literally, I think I tell this to myself, uh, sometimes out loud, but at least quietly to myself multiple times a day. And I do this to constantly remind myself because when we have a reaction, we're in the center of our brain called our limbic system. It's our emotional brain. And when we're in our emotional brain, we're only emotional when we have an imbalanced perception.
**Unknown:** So when we're seeing more benefits or more drawbacks, more pain or more pleasure, that's going to create an emotional response that's gonna fire up our limbic system.So one of the things I, I'm constantly saying to myself is, you know, every action equal and opposite. That's pretty much priming me to think more balanced and to very quickly see the opposite of what I'm being emotional about. So if I'm being emotional that, you know, this is really crappy, this is gonna ruin my day, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just like, equal opposite. Okay, what am I missing?
**Unknown:** What am I not seeing? What are the benefits that are there? What are the possibilities? And it can't just be from that moment on, because we know that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction in that moment.
**Unknown:** So for any moment that something horrible happens, there's an equal and opposite something amazing happening. The law of one to the many and many to the one. Val and I were talking about this, uh, a couple of days ago, and it's actually, I think, the very first law to be created. Um, and it is because when you look at creation, all creation started from one form.
**Unknown:** Um, they call it the I, um, the self. And then from thyself, uh, we replicated different forms of ourselves to really, uh, have that self-reflection. And what's crazy is we actually have that same self-reflection power in ourself. Uh, and guess what?
**Unknown:** It's those neurons, that processing system is in our limbic portion of our brain, and it's crazy enough it's called mirror neurons. So, like, you're standing in front of a mirror, uh, to check yourself out and say, "Damn, I look good." Uh, really it's that reflection of when we see something, it's truly showing us what we see in ourself. Crazy enough side tangent, um, but sometimes when I drive to work, uh, I'm always trying to grow my, grow my mind, grow my awareness, so I'll play a game. And when I'm driving to work, I'll always ask different questions, but one of the things just very simple is I'll be like, you know, look for something beautiful.
**Unknown:** And I'll look around and for something to catch my eye and like, boom, I see this beautiful leaf, and okay, okay, so I'm looking at this beautiful leaf. What part of myself do I associate that well with? Because it's, it's a reflection. Anything that I see externally, I also have inside of me, so I can look at that leaf and see the same beauty with inside myself.
**Unknown:** And then I'll play the equal and opposite game, uh, you know, what's ugly? And then I'll go through that, and then I'll keep asking better quality questions to get deeper into, you know, maybe I'm overly proud on some aspect that's not serving myself and creating a disconnect with relationships and friends. And on the other side, you know, the ugliness, you know, why, why am I breaking myself down? What part of my-myself am I not loving?
**Unknown:** And just really quickly too, Dr. McPhail, mind if I interrupt? But even, um, using the objective approach, personally, I've been able to use it on so many different scales in life, um, from something like you were saying to minimal throughout the day. Um, even just using it to really big life changes, um, because it's like once you step outside of the emotions and you start to become observant and aware.
**Unknown:** And just like you said, the more you practice that, it becomes a natural part of your day-to-day and, you know, how you work through those things as well. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. I mean, I even know when you first started IBG, and I don't know that you know I'm gonna say this story.
**Unknown:** But I'm always trying to, um, whether it's with myself, with friends, with employees, trying to help them grow through supporting their challenge. Mm-hmm. And with that, um, I mean, when people call our office, people are good people. Uh, it's just- Yeah ...
**Unknown:** there's certain scenarios, certain s-situations, we never know what's happening. Um, most of the time when people call us, they're not feeling good. Uh, so they're already kind of on that fine line of snapping. And Val had a very, very rude call, um, and she was shooken up a little bit.
**Unknown:** And I kinda just walked by and I go, "What's the equal and opposite?" And just kept walking by. Um, and as part of that was to put the ball into her court, to be like, "You're a hundred percent in control of this." Because really we can only control three things in our life. We can control our perceptions, we control the decisions from those perceptions, and then what action we take. Those are the only three things we can control in our life.
**Unknown:** Everything else, like, don't worry about it. Mm-hmm. We can't control it. So we should only be spending our time on what we can control, and then using that control to serve what's most important to us, our highest values.
**Unknown:** Yeah. And the amazing thing is that Val took that opportunity and ran with it, and at the end of the day, uh, she came in and she goes, you know, "Dr. Nick, this, this is what happened. This is where I was at.
**Unknown:** I was very frustrated. I was not in control, and I paused, I took a breath, I asked better quality questions." And do you wanna s-share- I ... the, the upside, uh, to everybody? I would definitely like to share, um, from like a general standpoint too because it's, it's happened a couple of times, but it's also- Mm-hmm ...
**Unknown:** you know, I think when you're in these positions and you, you know, you're looking at a challenge or, um, a situation that's difficult in your life, um, it's very easy to go into a victim mindset, which was a big part of my life for a very long time. And the situations that Dr. Nick's talking about is, you know, basically I had to become objective and say, "It's not about me and what's, you know, bringing me down. It's about, you know, how can I serve myself, yes, but in, you know, a position that's going to help me grow." Um, and just like Dr.
**Unknown:** Nick said, the challenges that you encounter, um, those are the only ways that you're going to grow. Um, so I don't wanna go into too much detail, but, um- ... in terms of, you know, from that situation and for many it's just a matter of- Mm-hmm ... um, realizing what you're being provided as a lesson and, um, what is going on that's going to help you or just help...
**Unknown:** it helped myself, um, see where-I was also lacking and what I need to do to strengthen those things. So Oh, it's so true. It's so true. Yeah.
**Unknown:** So back to the transfer of energy, the law of one to the many and many to the one. So when, um, one form, hence we're expanding, uh, when we go, we have an opportunity to go from one to one or from one to many, and then the opposite. Once we... When you look at energy, um, you can Google this, it's actually pretty cool.
**Unknown:** Um, NASA has a lot of, uh, videos of these star nebulas that have grown so big that it can't, uh, handle the capacity and then it actually collapses back onto itself. And all the energy actually follows that process. Once we get into a big enough expansion, uh, it has to collapse back onto itself to restart that cycle and process over again. And when you look at that, that's that energy going from one to many or from the many back onto the I, the one.
**Unknown:** So the flow of energy. I am a little obsessed with the flow of energy. Mm-hmm. Uh, I won't go into that much detail with you tonight, but I do wanna teach, uh, the bullet points because it's just like once you know something, you can, you can use it to serve yourself.
**Unknown:** It was, uh, back... One of the reasons actually I started learning, um, more physics and more about energy was about seven years ago. Um, it was Elon Musk. I was listening to a podcast of his, and he says, "If you truly wanna change something, you have to understand the physics, which is the foundation of understanding energy, because energy is what everything's foundationally created upon.
**Unknown:** So if you don't understand that, you can't truly change something." And I was just like, "Well, I'm a shitty doctor. I don't know anything about energy." So I started learning. Um, and we're... there's a lot of conflicting, uh, theories out there and information out there.
**Unknown:** So like anything, uh, don't believe everything I say, challenge it and come up with your own truths. The flow of energy. So energy is always going from a subtle, a non-form, um, aspect of energy into a form, a particle aspect. And that's really why Einstein, uh, said that it's really the field of energy that determines and dictates the particle, uh, the actual form and its physical reality because that's all it is.
**Unknown:** It's just a transformation, uh, from its non-physical into its- Mm-hmm ... denser physical form. It's all the, the very same energy as it's being processed and, uh, transformed. So the foundational aspect where everything starts is actually in the mind.
**Unknown:** Uh, that's why some people, when you get into, uh, deep self-health is they say everything is mental. And really what that means is that everything first starts within the mind in the belief system. So our beliefs, uh, either help us grow or they contract us and, uh, cause death and destruction. So when you look at, uh, beliefs, beliefs are really the drivers of what create our emotions.
**Unknown:** Uh, because when you think about it, something comes in and we have a belief that this is going to serve me. This is gonna be really good for me. That's gonna create a happy, a good emotion. But on the downside of that is if we have a belief something, that something's bad or it's harmful, that's gonna create more of a fear-driven emotion.
**Unknown:** And these emotions come up to seven seconds proven by neuroscience that then we have a thought that's created from that emotion, which is pretty wild to think that up to seven seconds before we have an emotion that creates a thought. And then from our thoughts, we have, like what I was saying, the second thing that we can be actually in control of is our decisions. So then we, we can make a decision based on the thought process to hopefully have an intelligent action that serves our highest values, what's most important to us. But then compounded over time are our results, and those results month after month, year after year, really takes us to our current reality.
**Unknown:** Making sense so far? I think like you were saying too, with the flow of energy for everyone of... We don't realize too how those beliefs and emotions, you know, especially when we go through the day-to-day, it starts to become so natural sometimes that we don't even realize that that's happening. And, um, I think that, you know, breakdown also helps like, you know, just showcase how it all comes together and that flow.
**Unknown:** And, you know, every, you know, like we were saying, everything kind of falls together and flows together, but having the awareness of that, I think is crucial to stepping outside of those beliefs or understanding, um, what's serving you and what's not serving you. Oh, 100%. And it's like, you know, it's... we- most of us know, you know, what's healthy, what's not.
**Unknown:** Like, we know that smoking's not good for us. Mm-hmm. But so many people continue to smoke. Like, we know that fast food's not, not a healthy food for us, but sometimes people choose still fast food.
**Unknown:** So it's the definition of insanity is really doing the same thing day in and day out, but expecting a different result. You know, it's are you coming home to an angry environment, getting in arguments, but you're not changing the belief system of- Mm-hmm ... why what's happening. You know, it's, it's really when you go back to this.
**Unknown:** Mm-hmm. We focus as a society so much on trying to change our actions because that's the first step right before that gives us our results. But we can't really change... Like, it's very simple to see that you can go onto a cleanse, you can lose a bunch of weight really quick, and then what happens a month, two months later?
**Unknown:** All that weight's back. Mm-hmm. Because all we did is changed an action, and when we focus on changing our actions, it's gonna be short term and you aren't going to have the sustainability because sustainability comes from the foundation, how strong your foundation is, which is the health of your belief system. So I wish this was what was taught in school to allow us to really be in control of more of our life, uh, so that we can serve us.
**Unknown:** And when we serve ourselves, really it's, it's you can't give something you don't have, and that's the foundation of the Demartini method is really learning how to love ourself. Because- Yeah ... when we can love ourselves, then we can love everyone else. And think what today would look like if-We didn't have everybody pushing our values on everyone else.
**Unknown:** Like even just in the political arena today, everybody has a say of, you know, what someone else should be thinking instead of if we understood that true love is loving somebody for who they are, not if they agree with us. We don't necessarily have to like someone. That's not the point. But the point is isn't pushing what we want somebody to be.
**Unknown:** The point is really just living our life, loving ourselves. And when that voice is louder than the voices on the outside, we can really just give free love as well. That's my lovey-dovey portion about tonight. Yeah.
**Unknown:** And really quickly, too, I think also the definition of insanity, you know, can be said for so many different things, you know, continue doing things, you know, over and over, whether it be holding on to, you know, toxic friendships, relationships, or just things that are no longer serving us. And sometimes when we tap into that belief system that's truly within us and have to let go of those things, you know, there's that grief. There's that grief of like letting go because, you know, it just doesn't serve us anymore and having to, you know, go through that. But just thought I'd add that in.
**Unknown:** That's good. Good points. Crushing it, Val. Moving on.
**Unknown:** So let's talk about some myths. I won't go too deep into these myths tonight because I went through most of these myths on the first form of grief. So the first myth is if you don't grieve, you didn't love them, which is 100% wrong. And I don't mean that to, especially if somebody is grieving right now, I don't mean that to really be a trigger because really the amount of love that you have for someone shouldn't be changed if you're missing a portion of them or if you're not missing a portion of them.
**Unknown:** Your love doesn't change. What happens is that does change is that your perception of something missing or something not missing. So really when you look at grief, it's grief is just an effect of a perceived perception of some loss, something being missing. And that loss could be more in the human form.
**Unknown:** It could be an animal. It could be a house. It could be, you know, a loss of a vehicle. I've done the grief collapse with so many different forms.
**Unknown:** It's been pretty amazing. Now it's so true. And like when I told this story on the last grief and I won't go too deep into it, but it's just we always have everything we need. It's just not in the form that we're wanting to see it in.
**Unknown:** And that's when we perceive that something's missing. You know, the story I said on one of them is that right when I went out to California being a kid from Iowa, you know, there's 1,200 people in my town. Everybody knew everybody, which had its pros and cons. But then I went out to San Francisco for chiropractic school and I was homesick.
**Unknown:** And all homesick is a perceived loss. And what was I homesick? I was homesick from my parents and a couple of my friends. And then it dawned on me one day looking back after I learned the Demartini method is that I had everything.
**Unknown:** It's like I went out there and right away I became best friends with a guy named Devin and his family lived very close to school and kind of adopted me. Like his mom would cook me homemade meals. One of the things I was missing and I was homesick is dad was giving me fatherly advice. So literally I had parents, but they weren't the parents that I was wanting to see parents in.
**Unknown:** And I had my brother. I had Devin, but he wasn't the brother that I thought that he was, but he ended up being that brother figure. So it's always we have everything we need. But the sad thing is that sometimes we don't have the awareness.
**Unknown:** And this is my favorite part about the technique is that once you truly learn the technique, almost the majority of everything, you can use the technique to go through and balance, quote unquote, your shit out. Every once in a while you will need the assistance of what's called a facilitator. And that's what I am in the Demartini method. And I still work with other facilitators and other facilitators still use me because when we can't see, when we have blinders on and be like, you know, I don't see any benefits to this.
**Unknown:** Everything's horrible. Like, no, like that's when we have blinders. We can't see the other side. And that's when we need a facilitator to really help guide us through, help opening some of those doors.
**Unknown:** And once those doors open, it's kind of like a waterfall effect. Everything starts flowing. All these things I don't know about. So the next myth is there is such a void in my life since I lost them.
**Unknown:** And this goes back to one of those foundational laws is understanding that energy cannot be created or destroyed. So the perception is that something's missing and that there's a void. And when we really look at a void is we avoid something's missing and something that's missing we're trying to fulfill into our life. And that discrepancy is really what creates the pain response that we're not full.
**Unknown:** So we're always trying to fulfill our lives with things that we actually perceive as missing or that have been missing. So what's amazing about the technique is that it actually teaches us to see the transfer so that the perception, we kill the cause. We kill the cause, which is the perception of something missing because our awareness has grown to be able to see the either one or many forms and it's a new place. The next myth is this is so horrible I am devastated.
**Unknown:** And don't get me wrong, I have cried my ass off many, many times from many, many losses. And grief is not a bad thing.And it can be very, very horrible to lose our loved ones, uh, to lose anything, uh, that we've really put our heart and soul into. I'm not saying that, uh, losses is not horrible, but I am saying that it doesn't have to be devastating. So that is the myth because there's always an equal and opposite reaction.
**Unknown:** Mm. So there's a... If something's horrible, Val, what's the opposite of horrible? Amazing.
**Unknown:** Amazing. Amazing. So it's-- this is probably one of those times where we would have those blinders on, and we need some assistance to be able to see the amazingness that's actually been created in that same moment. But it is there, trust me, and there's-- it's like the mind-blowing, um, aspect of the Demartini Method and why I love it so much is because you see this freedom, uh, literally pounds and pounds of weight just being released off people's shoulders- Mm ...
**Unknown:** of the trauma or the grief or whatever we've been holding onto. Uh, we pretty much take that horribleness, and we just let it be released because the amazingness comes and grabs it. And you could think of two different weights. If we hold on to something that's just amazing but it doesn't have any drawbacks, that weighs us down because it's not balanced.
**Unknown:** But if we hold on to something horrible and we don't see the amazingness in it, then we're holding on to that horribleness. Really, we wanna be free, and the only way we can do that is to live in the mean, to see the horrible, see the amazing, and then live right in the balance point of it. The next myth is grief is a healthy way to process loss. So this one is, um, partially true and partially false to throw you guys a curveball there.
**Unknown:** Mm-hmm. Grief is healthy. Um, it's a healthy reaction when we perceive a loss. Um, but just like anything, there's too much of something can be detrimental to the body.
**Unknown:** So grief and its, um, acuteness is a healthy response because it's telling us that we have an imbalanced perception. But the, the drawback, uh, would be if we don't take that opportunity to balance out our perception to see that nothing's actually truly missing into our life. If we don't have that awareness, then honestly, to be kinda mean about it, we become a victim to grief. Grief is controlling us, and we're not in control of that portion of ourself, and that can drive us mad.
**Unknown:** Oh, yeah. And so really when we go through, we can use grief as a healthy process, as a feedback mechanism, as data being an objective, and use that objective data to serve ourself, bring in balance, and move forward with our life. And even quickly, just to, you know, be a little vulnerable. Um, like doctor was saying, when, when there's too much of something, too much grief, um, just speaking from personal experience of there was too much of that in my life at one point, and even, yeah, def-- suffering from, you know, a weakened immune system.
**Unknown:** Um, just there was definitely a lot of physical ailments that came along for me from, um, an extended amount of grief for sure. The next myth is I am so scared to lose the people I love. So this actually comes in part of, uh, one of the future webinars that we're gonna be doing that's, uh, associated with more fear. Um, so any time that we're scared, s-being scared is, um, pretty much a creation of a form of fear.
**Unknown:** So fear is, uh, you can write this down, is false evidence appearing real. Mm-hmm. It ain't real. It's appearing real.
**Unknown:** Yeah. So what is-- It's kinda crazy. Most people don't realize this, but one of the things that we're most attracted to people is their confidence. People that are very confident, even if they don't know what the hell they're talking about, we're attracted to them, and that attraction comes through them having clarity, and clarity is really the opposite of fear.
**Unknown:** Because when we're really clear about something, we're very grounded because we know that either we know what's going to happen or we're a hundred percent prepared for what's going to happen. When we're in fear, that false evidence, we don't have any clarity. We don't know. We don't have a game plan.
**Unknown:** We don't know what's gonna happen, and it's just crazy chaos running in our brain, and it's creating havoc on all to our systems. So really when you say-- when you look at the myth, "I'm scared to lose people that I love," all that is just from not having clarity and understanding as well as a game plan. So as we go through, and you create a game plan, you get clarity, you become balanced mentally, the fear goes away, there's no more scarcity, and then we can move on. Val, you wanna go through the top three takeaways?
**Unknown:** I would love to. First thing, everyone, nothing is ever missing. It is only in different form than how we're looking at it. So I-- just as we were talking about the flow of energy, you know, um, we're perceiving, you know, one thing missing, but, you know, realizing energy is transferred.
**Unknown:** It's-- we need to now to look at it into where is it showing up in a different place in our lives. And this is something that, um, Dr. Nick continuously, you know, supports us and challenges with daily, and now it's something that even for myself, um, for our team, and for so many individuals, it's where, where do you sense this void, this lack? But where is it, uh, showing up in your life in other places?
**Unknown:** And maybe it looks a little bit different. So, um, this one I, I personally love. All right, and number two, our beliefs dictate our perceptions which control our feelings. Um, again, our belief system, that's something that we were discussing about, you know, the more you become aware of your belief system, what's gonna best serve you.
**Unknown:** Um, you know, that's gonna also be a direct correlation to, you know, the decisions you make in life and how you navigate and, um, being aware of that.And if, Dr. Nick, if you wanna also add anything here either Well, just, I mean, looking at the topic of grief, if our belief system is something is missing, then we're going to create the symptoms of grief. Uh, so your, your beliefs really do dictate how we-- our perceptions. You know, the perception is something is...
**Unknown:** something is missing, and that's coming from our belief system. Mm-hmm. So when we can change our belief system, we, we change our perception. And that is really what we can, um, we can control, is those perceptions.
**Unknown:** All right. I love that. And a growth mindset, you know, that can transform your beliefs to better serve your life, and, um, something that Dr. Nick, um, has shared as well is, you know, there's only three things that we can control in life, our perceptions, our decisions, and actions.
**Unknown:** Um, so you know, when you adopt that growth mindset, you know, that's gonna help you really see the bigger picture and, you know, be able to, again, just get that flow of energy going, you know, get all of those beliefs into the emotions, into the thoughts, into the actions, and just see those results over time, um, when you start to adapt-- adopt these things. Um, so I love that part. All right. So let's do it.
**Unknown:** Let's get after the nuts and bolts for collapsing grief. Yeah. So the first thing we do, uh, when somebody is grieving is we make a list of everything, uh, that is missing, but you can only work on one thing at a time. Uh, so you can't work on multiple griefs, uh, at the same time.
**Unknown:** You have to just collapse one at a time. So you couldn't write down everything that you perceive missing in the world. You kinda could, um, but it wouldn't be the best and efficient way to, uh, go through the process. So you make a list of everything that you perceive missing.
**Unknown:** So this could be, you know, walks, uh, morning walks. It could be, uh, laughter. It could be advice. Um, it could be their cooking.
**Unknown:** Uh, it could be anything that you actually perceive as missing. And then following the law that nothing actually is missing, it's just in a different form, hence things transfer from one form to many or from one to one. So we have to see really where the new version, uh, where this new trait or action has transformed and transformed into. So let's say, uh, I would say there's laughter, uh, that we perceive as missing.
**Unknown:** So you wanna be specific because, you know, there's multiple types of laughter. Mm-hmm. So you wanna say, you know, what is the similar form of laughter that I'm perceiving is missing? So let's say, um, it was my...
**Unknown:** Well, it's kinda creepy, but let's say it was my brother John that had passed away and the laughter that he gave me. Um, I know my brother John's never gonna watch this, so it's not a big deal. Um, let's say it's laughter, my brother John, and then who else is giving me that laughter? And I was like, oh, well, it's the first one that shows up is actually my dog, Booker.
**Unknown:** Like, he makes me laugh very similar to my brother. And it's like, where is that-- So then you have to say, is that equal? If you put it on a balance, the laughter that my brother gave me, is that equal to the laughter that Booker gives me? Nope, not quite.
**Unknown:** So this one's gonna be one of the law of one to the many. So there's gonna be multiple ones over here. So then we have Booker. Who else?
**Unknown:** Val makes me laugh. Is it the same as my brother? Nope. My wife makes me laugh.
**Unknown:** Is it the same as my brother? Yep. Is that even? That, that actually feels pretty even.
**Unknown:** So that was just one to two. So that shows us that the old version of his laughter really transferred into two new versions. But because I'm a human, and I like to hold on to things, I'm holding on that the laughter that my brother gave me had more benefits than drawbacks, and the new laughter from Booker and Nicole has actually more drawbacks than benefits. So I'm still attached to the old version.
**Unknown:** Even though that I see that nothing's missing, the old version was better. So then we go through and increase that awareness, um, equal and opposite reaction, that for every drawback, there's an equal and opposite benefit. So then we go through the old version and seeing that it had just as many benefits as well as drawbacks, and we go to the new form and also see that it had just as many benefits as well as drawbacks. And then once the old form, the new form are completely neutralized and balanced, as well as nothing's missing, then nothing is grief from laughter.
**Unknown:** So you do that same process through every single perceived loss of missing from that, uh, whether it's person, place, or thing, and at the very end, there won't be any grief. And it's gonna feel weird. And sometimes you actually have to go on to get on a roll. Uh, but sometimes we have those injected values- Mm-hmm ...that I should be grieving.
**Unknown:** That society, what are they gonna think if I go home, and I'm not grieving anymore? That I'm gonna have judgment. Hell, who-- They might have judgment. That's not a false belief.
**Unknown:** Um, but are you going to allow that judgment to affect you, and are you gonna make believe, hold on to grief just to fit in with society? I mean, I'm definitely not. I don't, I don't want the normal in society. The normal in society sucks.
**Unknown:** It's painful, and there's a lot of suffering with it. Like, I, I want my normal. I wanna live my life. That serves me.
**Unknown:** And by shining my light, I wanna give other people the option, permission to live their life and to shine their light. So that was me being a little emotional, but- Yeah. No, that's- ...sometimes you have to actually have to go through and do a little DeMartini work as well through balancing out injected values, um, that's been pushed on. And when I say injected, it's someone else in society, uh, that could be another family member, another friend.
**Unknown:** It could be just even a community perception, uh, with different religions and different spirituality. Mm-hmm. Um, it can be, like, groups like that. So there can be a lot of truth, uh, to being judged for not grieving.
**Unknown:** Um, but once you go through, and you take away that imbalanced perception of the judgment, then they don't have any power. It's pretty much by looking at the old, uh, construct of being a bully and a victim.So we are being bullied every single day by outside injected values of how we're supposed to act, how we're supposed to think. But most of those injected values aren't who we are, and they don't serve us. Mm-hmm.
**Unknown:** So a big part of life is going through, getting crystal clear on what's most important to us, and then using that data, that objective data, to make those quality decisions and taking action to serve what's most important to us. So I've done a lot of tangents. I'm running a little over, sorry. All good information though.
**Unknown:** But I wanna say like, you know, this seems simple, and the process is simple. But like I said, it can be very difficult to do on your own when we have those blinders on, and don't judge yourself for having blinders. Literally, I think it was about five weeks ago, um, I did a barter with, uh, one of the facilitators, and we had it planned is, um, we both had a break, and we knew there was some stuff that we needed assistance on, and we just carved out some time, and he helped me for a couple hours, and I helped him for a couple hours, and that was, that was my lovely Saturday. So, um, like nobody's perfect.
**Unknown:** We all have our shit to work through. Um, but it's really just, you know, trying to stand on the shoulders of giants, um, that have put in a lot of time and energy to be able to help and help society, help you be the best version of you. Um, that's all I want, and that's all of my mentors that I'm standing on their shoulders. That's really why they're, they're still in the game, um, because they don't have to be.
**Unknown:** You know, it's like all my mentors are very financially, uh, they just-- they've been in the game for like fifty plus years. Um, they don't need to still be doing this financially. They're doing it just out of love to help grow society and people. It's really just all for the love of people.
**Unknown:** And really quick too, um, like we were talking about the actual, um, process too, and like Dr. N was saying, um, the more detailed you are, um, that's like the really crucial part to it as well is just being super detailed as you're going through and, you know, writing out, you know, what do you feel, you know, you've lost? And then, um, places, other areas of your life that you find those things is just be super detailed. So- All right ...
**Unknown:** the big reason I've done this is because I'm filling one of my voids. Uh, one of my voids is that I've for years just worked one-on-one with people, and I've helped a lot of people. But, um, sometimes I, at the end of the night, when I go through and have my meditation, journaling, self-talk, um, doing literally physical data- Mm-hmm ... I find that I'm not-- I'm judging myself for not making a, a big enough ripple effect in society, uh, that all my interactions are one-to-one instead of that one-to-the-many.
**Unknown:** Mm-hmm. So, uh, twenty twenty-one is one of the things that I dedicated is to work, uh, more touching, but , uh, lending a hand out to help more people. And God, I can't believe I said that out loud. Um, but it's really the d-- the design, uh, for the year of Demartini, uh, with myself as well as, um, probably Valerie through most of this, is that we've set up literally a online way to learn and grow from the comfort of your home.
**Unknown:** It's like one of the things that we've learned from twenty twenty is that you don't have to pay to travel. You don't have to, uh, pay to do all these things. We can save a lot of money and, you know, be in our PJs and learn from the comfort of our own home. So I'm really excited about, uh, being able to provide this.
**Unknown:** The results that we get with clients on one-on-one is just been amazing. Um, every single time I go through and do, whether it's a grief collapse or a Demartini method with somebody, it's just that at the end, literally myself as well as the, the client have tears of gratitude because when you, when you're finished, you're actually grateful for what you once, uh, either were missing or resented. Um, so it's just a, it's a beautiful process. So the IWG difference, um, if you guys don't know too much about Integrative Wellness Group, um, it's not probably the most common thing for A, a chiropractor, um, foundationally, uh, to be talking about emotions.
**Unknown:** Um, but really the IWG difference is that the I stands for integrative. So in our practice, uh, really when you look at integrative is that from that, uh, blind spots, how most of, um, medical practitioners are only looking at one system. Uh, it's usually the biochemical system here in America. Uh, we also look at the, the nervous system and the structural system.
**Unknown:** But most physicians are only looking at those systems, um, singularity. Um, they're not looking at even those three systems working and affecting each other. Where we at IWG, we're really looking at the whole aspect of the physical body. So the muscle skeletal, the nervous system, we're looking at the fascia, and then combining that with all the other systems.
**Unknown:** So we're looking at the endocrine, the chemical systems. We're looking at the energetics, so more like Eastern medicine. We're looking and evaluating the meridian systems as well as chakra systems of the body. Me, uh, of course, be evaluating that mental, emotional aspect, um, and then even the spirituality side of the things.
**Unknown:** When I get into spirituality, I never get into external, um, your beliefs with a higher purpose, higher being. Uh, I believe that that's for you and your relationship. Um, but the spirituality that we deal with is the internal spirituality. So being inspired, living an inspired life, um, and having that congruently serve what's most important to you.
**Unknown:** So that is the IWG difference is that we really look at all of you. So ask me anything Well, Doctor, I was wondering if you would be able to touch on a question that came in earlier from, uh, one of our participants, from Taylor. Mm-hmm. Um, you know, she was asking, you know, "What do you do when you're in the thick of it with grief?
**Unknown:** Um, your mind is engrossed in thoughts and, you know, you're spiraling. Like, what are some good tools?" And, you know, that was something that Taylor was inquiring, so I wonder if that's something you might be able to, uh, touch on. So it's a good question because there's multiple different ways to, to look at it. And the, the best intelligent answer I can give is to look at it to creative approach.
**Unknown:** Um, I don't want to tell you right away to just sit down and do the Demartini method, uh, because it's probably gonna be pretty difficult, um, especially if you're right in the thick of it. Uh, when we're really in the thick of things, that's... we almost always have blinders on, so we can't see, uh, we can't see the transfer. We can't see the, the benefits to the old forms.
**Unknown:** Mm-hmm. Um, so but I would say the, the start of that on that mental side is to, if you can, you know, first just write down and acknowledge what you are missing. So that's telling your brain that, uh, there's cause and effect, and I know the causes now. So it's like even sometimes people, all they want is a diagnosis, uh, and then they don't even wanna do any healing, any work.
**Unknown:** They're just searching for a diagnosis and like, "Oh, I know. I'm good." I'm not agreeing that that's a healthy thing, but it does calm the mind know... calm the mind down to know the cause. So just writing down and getting clarity on what's missing is gonna be an amazing first step for you.
**Unknown:** And from there, then you can go through that process and work on, like, you know, where do I see this in my life now? Also, when we are really stressed, uh, that has biochemical effects on our body. Um, it really ramps up our cortisol, our adrenal that can affect our sleep. Um, when we have poor sleep patterns, our brain's not detoxing, our body's not detoxing efficiently.
**Unknown:** And really in our deep sleep is when a lot of the regeneration happens. So biochemically, we can do some things to also help support, um, both our sleep as well as our stress. Uh, one of those easy things-- And with that, um, we, we test everything, so we don't really guess at all. So when it comes to, quote-unquote, "guessing," uh, I'm not a big fan, uh, but the only thing that's, quote-unquote, "not guessing" is some adaptogenic herbs.
**Unknown:** So adaptogenic means whether, like if you're looking to support the adrenals, whether your adrenals are too high or too low, an adaptogenic is just gonna help balance that out. Uh, so I would look up, uh, some adaptogenic herbs, and that could be a huge benefit, uh, to helping. Mm-hmm. And then one of the best ways to boost our mood is movement.
**Unknown:** Um, a lot of times when we're grieving, uh, I know this personally, I was in bed for about six days, uh, straight, almost with very little food and, but just some urination breaks, uh, is that we don't move. Uh, we think the whole world has stopped, uh, and our whole world has stopped, but the external world has not. So one of the best things to do is to get outside and to move, um, and to get some sunshine, 'cause sunshine will also, uh, it's a big aspect of our circadian system to help out with that. So I guess if other people aren't seeing it, I'm gonna read Melissa's really quick.
**Unknown:** Um, she wrote, "I lost my husband to suicide in July 2018 and my seven-year-old daughter to homicide in May 2020. Along with having trauma as I witnessed both, both events, I struggle with being able to grieve both of them. I tend to focus on always grieving my daughter, which causes me to have guilt related to not being able to grieve my husband, my late husband." So that's, that is a, um, a perfect aspect of the, the mind not being regulated. Uh, and when I say that is the, the guilt aspect, um, because the...
**Unknown:** when you look at there's guilt and shame are very closely related. Um, we're shamed when we perceive doing something bad. Uh, we have guilt when we're judging ourself for being bad. Most people confuse the two, so I wanna get clarity, uh, when just for definition purposes.
**Unknown:** So you can-- there's multiple ways, and I don't know exactly which strategy, uh, I would take working with you until really going through a little deeper, um, to seen. I always, for the most part, um, I try to work on the most, uh, polarized, uh, aspect. So if that would be working with your husband first or your daughter first. But depending on how fragile people are, just because I, my mind's very objective doesn't mean I'm not empathetic.
**Unknown:** Um, I do understand and meet people, uh, where they definitely are. But not to be rude, I don't-- and this might trigger some people, but I don't feed into the story and, you know, I didn't say, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry," um, because when you realize that there's nothing really missing, there's nothing to be sorry about. And I don't mean that in a, in a, in a mean way, um, by any means. Um, I actually did, and I, I'm not-- I'll get on this story, but just to preframe one thing.
**Unknown:** I actually did a Demartini, uh, method with a pastor, and, uh, took him through the whole process. At the end, um, definitely, uh, got back into that harmony state, and at the end he asked to ask me a question. And long story short, he asked me what my thoughts were on, uh, forgiveness, asking forgiveness. And I just replied, I go, "Well, we just neutralized an event between you and somebody else.
**Unknown:** Is there anything that you need to ask for forgiveness or forgive them?" And he was likeNo. And so the only time that we need to ask forgiveness for those things is when we still see that either we did something bad or someone else did something bad. So that's where guilt comes from, is that we perceive that we have done something bad. Guilt is one of the strongest players at not allowing us to move forward with our life.
**Unknown:** So clinically speaking, um, I would probably work on resolving the guilt first with you, as that will allow you to go forward and more easily work on the grief. Um, clinically speaking, that's what I would probably do, not knowing your whole scenario. Um, but once you remove the guilt, then the body's more freely to move forward and a lot efficiently. Anytime that we're holding on to guilt, uh, we're gonna have a lot of resistance and a lot of pushback instead of our, our, um, pretty much our, uh, inner spirit pulling us forward, um, to work with us.
**Unknown:** And then I go through and work... Like I said, you can't combine both of them 'cause they're two different situations. Um, it looks like you might be more attached, um, have more grief, uh, from the daughter. So I would collapse the daughter first, and then the grief that's connected with the husband from that.
**Unknown:** And then once that's done, don't get me wrong, we would need to do some work on the post effects of that because, and it sounds maybe weird, but you have so much of your support team is seeing you as losing people. And soon as you come out of that not losing anything, that they're not probably going to be able to understand that process. So we need to do some post work to be able to have you have a kind of like that getting clarity, uh, so you don't have any fear going out into the world. Uh, just having a pretty much clear game plan of how you're going to show up and be that new best version of yourself, if that makes sense.
**Unknown:** Yeah. So that is it, guys. Uh, I appreciate all of your time. Literally, there's a huge turnout tonight.
**Unknown:** Uh, so I'm very grateful, uh, to be able to, um, pretty much pass on this bit of knowledge and gems. Hopefully, you guys are able to pretty much grab onto some of those and make some changes, uh, for your life. Like I said, you can only control three things, perceptions, decisions, and actions. Mm-hmm.
**Unknown:** Um, so as you go through the rest of your week into the weekend, really, I just challenge you to think about that, um, to, if you're having an emotional reaction, say, you know, something like, "This is interesting," and then look at that process, that flow of energy, and go back to the beliefs that really may not be serving you the best of your possibility. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you, guys.
**Unknown:** Thank you, guys. Love you all so much. Thank you, Dr. Nick.
**Unknown:** Thank you, everyone, and hopefully we'll see you all soon. Yes. Stay safe. We thank you for being a listener and subscriber to Integrative Wellness Radio.
**Unknown:** If you're looking to learn more about Integrative Wellness Group, as well as Dr. Nick or Dr. Nicole, you can check out integrativewellnessgroup.com. All night, no sleep.
**Unknown:** 'Cause I feel like I'm always dreaming. Wide awake, that's okay
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Integrative You Radio is a root cause medicine and integrative medicine podcast hosted by Dr. Nicole Rivera and Dr. Nick Carruthers — two integrative doctors who build personalized wellness protocols from your DNA, minerals, hormones, gut, and nervous system rather than from a population template. Looking for an integrative doctor who reads your labs together instead of in isolation? This is the show.
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