How putting your kids 1st is hurting you
Episode 197
Welcome back to another episode of Integrated You Radio! In this solo episode, Dr. Nicole delves into the thought-provoking topic of prioritizing yourself over constantly putting your children's needs first. Drawing inspiration from the in-flight safety reminder to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others, Dr. explores the idea of self-care and the implications of continuous sacrifice. She reflects on how societal programming often encourages parents to prioritize everyone else, leading to burnout, anxiety, and lost opportunities for genuine family connections. Dr. Nicole discusses the phases of life, from early parenting to adulthood, and how the habit of always putting others before oneself can impact mental well-being, family dynamics, and even the health of the next generation. Tune in to gain insights into creating a healthier balance between caring for yourself and caring for your loved ones. Interested in learning more about Dr. Nick & Dr. Nicole’s courses, memberships, or private work? Learn more at Integrative You . Have a quick question, Would you like to schedule a call, or just want to say hi? Text us at 732.913.0009. Our mission to innovate humans & Healthcare does NOT start and stop with us! This is why we are also dedicated to helping other practitioners in evolving healthcare too! If you are a healthcare leader and are looking to up-level your clinical + business excellence Learn more about our course membership: Limitless Healthprenuer and start boldly disrupting this industry! What you’ll learn: In-Flight Analogy: The episode opens with the analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others, highlighting the importance of self-care and how it mirrors the concept of prioritizing oneself in daily life. Societal Programming: Roland addresses societal norms that encourage sacrificing personal needs for the sake of others, leading to burnout, anxiety, and missed opportunities for meaningful family interactions. Impact on Famil
Topics: family, mask, anxiety, putting, unknown, self, before, others
Key takeaways from this episode
- ## How Putting Your Kids 1st Is Hurting You
- The "oxygen mask" analogy highlights the necessity of self-prioritization for effective long-term caregiving.
- Societal pressures often encourage parental self-sacrifice, which can result in anxiety and missed opportunities for genuine connection.
- Neglecting personal needs can have ripple effects on mental health, family relationships, and even influence the next generation's understanding of well-being.
- Understanding different life stages and their unique demands is key to adjusting self-care practices.
Pull quotes
This is the place where you become limitless. **Unknown:** We are covering the latest and greatest topics, of course, in a disruptive fashion, around integrative medicine, mental health, and human behavior.
We will be sprinkling in some truth bombs for our healthpreneurs so they can join us in our mission to evolve healthcare.
If you are health curious and growth focused, you are in the right place. **Unknown:** But buckle up, because this is real, this is raw, and this is disruptive.
Transcript
**Unknown:** Welcome to Integrative U Radio, hosted by Dr. Nick Carruthers and yours truly, Dr. Nicole Rivera. This is the place where you become limitless.
**Unknown:** We are covering the latest and greatest topics, of course, in a disruptive fashion, around integrative medicine, mental health, and human behavior. We are also covering how those topics affect the human and family dynamics. We will be sprinkling in some truth bombs for our healthpreneurs so they can join us in our mission to evolve healthcare. If you are health curious and growth focused, you are in the right place.
**Unknown:** But buckle up, because this is real, this is raw, and this is disruptive. This is Integrative U Radio. Hello, hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Integrative U Radio.
**Unknown:** Uh, so I am rolling solo today without my co-host, Dr. Nick. Um, but we were just doing some traveling, and throughout our travels, uh, we were on an airplane where, you know, they, they do their standard protocol of letting you know all of the precautions to take. And there's always that segment about putting your mask on first before putting the mask on your child.
**Unknown:** And on Southwest, they make an effort to go up to anyone who has a child, uh, sitting next to them or in their lap to, uh, say that to them specifically. To say, "Hey, as a reminder, put your mask on first before you would put on your child." And it really just got me thinking about that concept, because the concept makes perfect sense. If you do not put your mask on and you lose oxygen and you pass out, you can't help anyone. You cannot help your child.
**Unknown:** So it makes logical sense that you would put your mask on first. And it got me thinking about how we violate this principle most days of our life. And this could be mother, father, this could be a parent, it could be someone who is not a parent. Because most of the time we have been programmed from some avenue of life.
**Unknown:** That program could've came from our parents, it could've came from our religion, it could've came from our culture, our society. But we have been told to take care of others and put others before ourself. And I know that that sounds extremely diplomatic and altruistic, but if you always put yourself last and you always put other people first, it's at what expense, is what I invite you to think about. Because there are too many people nowadays that are suffering with depression and anxiety, and we label this a clinical diagnosis, but we fail to dig into the reasons for depression and anxiety.
**Unknown:** And of course, you guys know, if you've been listening over the past 12 years, we talk a lot about biochemistry, and we talk a lot about how serotonin levels and melatonin levels and dopamine levels and cortisol levels and adrenaline levels can all contribute to depression and anxiety. But we also have to address the elephant in the room, and the elephant in the room is that there are a lot of environmental and social factors that are contributing to depression and anxiety. And one of the phrases that I always circle back to when I'm having moments of jaded thinking or, or moments of judgment or moments of fear is, "You do not see the world as it is, you see the world as you are." And if you are in a life of chaos, then that is usually because sacrifice is at the forefront of your thoughts and decision-making. So, so bear with me here to dive into this, because some of you might be like, "Life is just stressful.
**Unknown:** Life is just chaotic. That's just what it is." And I get it, but this goes back to the programs that we have been told to normalize. To normalize that life is stressful, having a family is stressful, being a parent is stressful. And yes, of course we, there's moments that we love, but life is not sunshine and rainbows.
**Unknown:** And I think that that has been the biggest lie we've been fed that keeps us on a hamster wheel of doing a lot of shit that we don't wanna do, and keeping us from embracing our uniqueness, embracing our authentic self. And I know this because I work with so many people that have physical symptoms, and at the background of those physical symptoms is a lack of speaking their truth, a lack of speaking up, a lack of confidence in being their authentic self, a, a, a, a lifetime of doing things that they're supposed to do, that other people want them to do, that creates an inner turmoil which then creates physical symptoms. And when I put it that way, some of you might be like, "Oh, wow, yeah, I, I get that." But-If we want to circle back here to this idea of, of parents or caretakers in general, because some of you are taking care of your kids and some of you are kids taking care of your parents, especially in their elder years. And if you are currently on this hamster wheel of serving everyone else and not serving yourself because maybe you were told that was selfish or you were told that that wasn't, that, that's not what good people do, then you're making a lot of sacrifices and you're sacrificing your needs for others' needs.
**Unknown:** You're sacrificing your values by saying yes to things that don't align with you, which creates judgment and resentment and anxiety and fear, which so many of us are experiencing. You sacrifice your uniqueness by succumbing to what other people think you should be or what other families are doing. You know, that, that phrase, keeping up with the Joneses. And I'm so passionate about talking about this topic of sacrifice because I lived sacrifice firsthand for majority of my life.
**Unknown:** But the sacrifice that ta- took the biggest toll on my health and wellbeing was the sacrifice that I, I sacrificed myself to take care of everyone else from the perspective of my patients to even my employees. And I felt okay with doing it. I felt okay with working 15-hour days. I felt okay because I was, I was helping people.
**Unknown:** I was making a difference. So there's a lot of, there's a lot of reasons why we keep doing what we're doing, but there comes a time in your life where you hit this point that you're just like, "I can't, I can't keep doing this. I don't, I don't even know why I feel the way I do. I don't know why I feel lost.
**Unknown:** I don't know why I feel uncomfortable. I don't know why I feel sad. I don't know why I feel worried. I don't know why I feel anxious.
**Unknown:** All I know is I'm just not okay. I'm not good." And that was the moment in my life where I was like, "I gotta ask for help. I've been helping everyone else for a very long time." And this isn't, it wasn't because I was sick. I wasn't physically sick.
**Unknown:** I always actually did things for my physical health. It was my mental wellbeing that took such a hit because every decision that I made in my life was to further my mission, which was to evolve healthcare and help people be well, and it was to grow my business to further my mission. So there was a lot of underlying sacrifice. Like, Dr.
**Unknown:** Nick and I didn't even own our own home up until two years ago, not even two years ago, um, th- because every dollar we made went back into our mission, back into our business. And so again, those things were okay for a really long time. And then when we knew that we were pregnant and we were, our life was gonna change, that was the, you know, the, the hammer that hit us on the head to say, "This is not sustainable." N- it, it put at the forefront the level of sacrifice that we made in our lives, and we realized that that wasn't going to allow us to get to the next phase of life, which was going to include a family. So this was, you know, my journey that was very tied to sacrifice for myself or my business, but there are so many parents out there that are sacrificing themselves for their kids, thinking that they're doing, doing a good thing.
**Unknown:** So I wanna actually speak to the, the after effects in phases of life when you're constantly sacrificing yourself. You're constantly putting the mask on others before yourself. So if we wanna talk about this concept in the early ages, uh, of, um, of having children, having a family. So your kids are infants, they are toddlers, you know, into, you know, young children.
**Unknown:** If we are constantly doing everything for everyone else and we're not doing anything for ourselves, what's the ultimate outcome? The ultimate outcome is burnout, chaos, feeling frantic, feeling extremely distracted, feeling just exhausted. And, you know, we call it, we call it mom brain. Mainly mom brain.
**Unknown:** We don't really call it dad brain . And so again, we've normalized this as a society. We've normalized that you're gonna run around with your head cut off, and having a child is going to be extremely daunting and stressful. But of course, you know, there's all of the beautiful components of it because of the unconditional love between you and your child.
**Unknown:** But I'm here to invite you to think about the fact that that's not the way that it's supposed to be. Because if you are not serving yourself and you are burnt out, overwhelmed, and distracted, then you're not having those special moments with your kids. You're not having those moments that you envisioned in your brain when you found out that you were gonna have a family. When you were thinking about having a family and you thought about those, those moments where you guys are present with each other, you know, sitting around a dinner table sharing laughter, sharing memories.moments where you get to mentor your child, to teach them something new.
**Unknown:** You get to, you know, help them learn a, a tangible skill, riding a bike and you're sharing these amazing moments together and then what you find is that most days you're frustrated, you're snapping at your kids, you're snapping at your spouse, and then you're feeling extremely guilty about it, and your bandwidth is so limited. So you're doing, doing, doing. You're cleaning up the house. You're doing this.
**Unknown:** You're driving people here, doing that, and all of those beautiful, special moments that you envisioned, you don't even have the bandwidth for, you don't have the time for. You don't even have the ... You're not conscious enough to even do that because you're pulled in so many different directions mentally and physically. So I- I'm saying this because if you were to figure out how to do more for yourself, even if for you to have 20% more energy, 20% more balance, you're going to have more of those special moments, more of the ability to mentor and teach your child, more of that beautiful bonding time sitting around a bonfire or a dinner table or whatever it is for you, because that's for you to figure out with your family.
**Unknown:** What are the things that light you guys up as a family? And so, you know, we transition now into the preteen/teen years, and I think that as parents we're always thinking like, "Oh, it's gonna get a little better. You know, once they're, once they're out of diapers, once they're a little bit more, uh, self-sufficient, then it's gonna get better." But then really at the end of the day, you know, preteens into teens, they're getting into sports. They're getting into extracurricular activities, and you want your kid to be well-rounded.
**Unknown:** You want them to do what they wanna do, not realizing that half the things they ask for is actually influenced by the neighbor kid or influenced by the nei- the family up the street or influenced by the teachers at school. So this actually goes back to one of the previous podcasts that we did, where we talked very specifically about asking yourself the question of what is the uniqueness and identity of your family? 'Cause again, when we embark on having a family, or we find out like, "Hey, surprise. You're having a family," we have a vision.
**Unknown:** We have this idea of what family is going to be, and some families, it's all about quality time together, like vacationing together, or some of it is just, like, sitting around in the backyard and sharing laughter. You know, some of it is, um, doing things to gain intellect. Like, every family is so different in what their uniqueness is, and we often don't take the time to get on the same page with our spouse, or even with ourselves if we're a solo parent, to really talk about who are we as a family. Who are we?
**Unknown:** What are the values that we share as a family, AKA the things that, the lessons you're instilling in your family, the lessons you're instilling in your kids? And, you know, what is our uniqueness? Like, what are the things that we value the most as a family? So that you can decipher where to say yes and where to say no.
**Unknown:** Because if you don't talk about the fact that one of the main reasons you had a family is because you wanted to have quality time and experience together, so that quality time and experience could be sitting in the backyard or it could be traveling the world. So now there's a schedule filled with a million extracurricular activities, and you as the parent are the chauffeur, and you're like, "This is not what I wanted for my family." And then you find out, if you actually open the dialogue, that your kids also don't wanna run around with their heads cut off, going practice to practice month after month after month. And when you open this dialogue and you create this cl- clarity, and you have open conversations about who you are as a family and the things that are most important to you, then you can not be dealing with these chaotic, frantic schedules that actually frustrate everyone. Because at the end of the day, in that timeframe is when kids are getting exposed to more and more things, and that is the time they need us the most when it comes to mentorship, guidance, and if your bandwidth is minimal because you work, you have a career.
**Unknown:** Even if you're a stay-at-home mom, you got a lot on your fricking plate, man, a lot on your plate. And then on top of it, you are tending to all of the different things that the kids are involved in, then your bandwidth is low. And again, the teaching, the mentorship, the quality time, that is an afterthought. So this is so significant that we need to think about and, and we also need to think about ...
**Unknown:** We need to put ourselves in the future to think back of, wow, so much time went by, and we didn't do this. You know, there's a lot of times we, we talk to families, and they're like, "I just can't believe my kids are already 17, 18 years old. And, you know, at this point, I thought we would've done a family vacation every year, and I thought they would've seen more of the world, and I, I thought that we would've done X, Y, or Z, and, and we haven't."And that is because time went by quickly being extremely busy, but then reflecting on we were busy with things that weren't even in alignment with who we are as a family. And, you know, the last phase of life that I wanna talk about here is, is adulthood.
**Unknown:** And I wanna talk about this because when it comes to the parent, the caretaker who is taking care of everyone else and not themselves, and essentially burning the candle at both ends for years upon years upon years, your kids are observing every minute of that. And never once did I have a conversation with a kid in my office that, one, parents were paying for them to be there, but their parents didn't take care of their own health. They never said, "I'm so happy my parents don't take care of th-th-their self, but they spend money for me to take care of myself." They would always say, "I wi- I would, I wish my mom would take my place. I wish my dad would take my place.
**Unknown:** I wish they would take better care b- of themselves. It scares me that they're on medication. It scares me that my dad gets out of breath when he goes up the stairs. It scares me that my mom's always so tired.
**Unknown:** It scares me that my mom and dad forget where the keys are." Your kids are observing everything, and you don't have to say it, and you think you're putting on a front that you feel fine and everything's fine, but they're not stupid. They know. They know you're not fine. And the last thing that kids wanna do is spend their adulthood taking care of their parents, worrying about their parents, because now they're in a phase of life that they're growing up, and they're thinking about potentially settling down and having a family, and they want their grandparents, or they want their kids to have grandparents that are around, that are healthy, that can play with them.
**Unknown:** And there are so many people that I've worked with that their health is in shambles, and it's partly because they live in a chronic stress state because they're constantly worrying about their family members that are sick. And they always say, "I just, my, I, I wish my mom and dad took better care of themselves. I wish, I wish they would just even eat a little bit better, and I wish they would do this, and I wish they would do that." So it's, there's, this is such a loaded, loaded, loaded topic. And one big elephant in the room that we haven't even touched on yet is when you're constantly taking care of everyone else, if it's extended family members or if it's your kids and you never take care of yourself, what happens to your romantic relationship?
**Unknown:** So many partners feel like they're roommates, and they're just so busy and absorbed with taking care of their kids, and then their kids go off to college, and you see the sheer panic that sets in, the panic of a loss of identity and the panic of, "Wow, I now have to face the fact that my romantic relationship is not romantic at all, and I don't know the fate of my marriage. I don't know the fate of my relationship." And that is instilling such a poor program into our kids of this is what marriage is. Marriage is essentially you take care of kids as a partnership, but there's no love. There's no romanticism.
**Unknown:** There's no deep partnership, deep bond. There's no prioritization of each other because there's other shit to do. So again, you might be in the trenches right now of thinking like, "I'm just so deep in, I don't think I can get out," or, "I don't even know how to take care of myself. I'm just so used to taking care of everyone else." It's just take a pause and, and listen to this multiple times if you need to.
**Unknown:** And I really invite you to actually take a peek at our limitless family because that's one of the things that we are teaching is like, right off the bat, is let's figure out who you guys are as a family. Let's figure out your uniqueness. Let's figure out your core values. And one of our absolutely free opt-ins is how can you actually implement a framework with your partner that can get you aligned, get you on the same page, and create a deeper partnership as parents?
**Unknown:** How can you communicate better with your kids? How can you create a more trustworthy and vulnerable dynamic in your household? How can you just reduce chaos by better communication and collaboration? And that is the key.
**Unknown:** This isn't that hard to figure out. It's just most of us have never taken the time to ask ourselves who the hell are we as a family, and what is important to us, and how can we use that as the compass in our decision-making? So I hope this was extremely valuable to you, and I'm not claiming to be an expert in parenting and families, but what I am an expert in is humans, and I have seen so much come through my practice in 12 years, and I have seen what creates sickness, and it's not always biochemistry. Biochemistry is often a result.
**Unknown:** It's an effect. It's an effect from this. It's effect from chaos. It's an effect from burning the candle at both ends.
**Unknown:** It's an effect from living in a chronically stressed state. It is from lack of communication, lack of community, lack of collaboration. The people ... This hit me in the face when I was very early into my practice, and I would work with people, and I would use supplements, and we'd use detox protocols, and we'd use all of these fricking fancy things, and the root of their problem wasn't that.
**Unknown:** The root of the problem was there was extreme turmoil in their household, mom and dad not on the same page, mom thinking constantly about divorce, kids being rebellious because they're such a dysfunctional environment, and those are the people that no matter what we did, didn't get better. They only got better when they were willing to do the work to address what was going on in their household. So with that said, tune into our next one. We thank you so much for being an avid listener of Integrative U Radio, formerly known as Integrative Wellness Radio.
**Unknown:** We appreciate all of your support. We love your comments. Please visit us on social media as well as our website to see all of the fun things happening behind the scenes and the new amazing content and courses that is being rolled out on a monthly basis. We hope to see you there.
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About Integrative You Radio
Integrative You Radio is a root cause medicine and integrative medicine podcast hosted by Dr. Nicole Rivera and Dr. Nick Carruthers — two integrative doctors who build personalized wellness protocols from your DNA, minerals, hormones, gut, and nervous system rather than from a population template. Looking for an integrative doctor who reads your labs together instead of in isolation? This is the show.
Further reading
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